One wasted year

Wow-I spent the last year falling in love. I thought he was the one. He was someone who I could feel becoming one of my best friends. Who knew that it could all end over a stupid argument. Who knew it would end with hate and with him saying "Leave me alone." He didn't care that his heartless words were stabbing pretty deep. How can u go from saying luv ya all the time to a slight falling out bc I asked him if he was seeing someone, which he never answered, to a small rebuild to where, after starting to let go and dating guys and realizing how i should be treated, he starts to annoy me and I start to think..."Were all of our conversations as one sided as this one?" He wasn't listening and he just kept talking and talking and talking...about himself. Thats all too familiar to me. No he wasn't always that way. We used to talk for hours and hours-He used to make me believe in myself-in my dreams. But that turned into him always accusing me of not working hard enough on my dreams because I watched TV sometimes and because I started dating.....which made me feel like a failure and a loser. Fuck that. I would rather be single forever than to have anyone treat me the way he did tonite-like I was meaningless to him. If he gave up on me thats his own stupid fault. Man I wish he was gay like all my friends who met him said he seemed. He isn't though. He just has high expectations. He expects to find someone like Norah Jones but guess what-I want my John Krazinski too---obviously not those two celebrities themselves but someone of that calibur. And fuck anyone who thinks that I don't deserve it. I'm not sure why it had to end like this. It seems like a lot of things are ending here in the end of 2009. And u know what, thats fine. I'm not gonna sit around and cry. If Texas has made me anything its made me stronger. What good would it do to stay in bed crying the next few days. I will put it down on paper--or computer screen, I will accept that it wasn't meant to be and I will move on-start new. So Derek if you seriously meant the things you said tonite, after all the shows I got you, all the days I pulled your pissy ass mood out of the gutter, all the laughs and jokes and jimps we shared....then FUCK YOU! I will prove to you that what you said is true, I don't need you to make my dreams come true. I can interview Dave Navarro without you as photographer...

Dearly Beloved>>>

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life it means forever and thats a long time, but I'm here to tell you, theres something else. The afterworld. A world of neverending happiness....you can always see the sun...day or nite.....So when you call up that shirink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything will be alright? Instead of asking him how much of your times left, ask him how much of your mind baby. Cuz in this life, things are MUCH harder than the after life..In this life YOUR ON YOUR OWN!! So if the elevator tries to bring you down...go crazy!!!

The elevator tried like crazy to bring me down today---and I feel like I did go crazy--but not in the way prince would have wanted me too. Why does it all come back to this. Me loving someone who doesnt love me. And once I know they dont I dont care-I dont give a fuck- I keep on loving. I want it to work more and more and more. I dream about it, I visualize it. We have a couple of days or weeks were things seem to be going up and up and then someone snaps that cable and I come spiraling down. The tiniest thing set me off. Fucking twitter and facebook and myspace and all that crap its poison. You know who everyone is talking too. The last two days it was like he dropped off the planet. Even when I tried to initiate conversations he was disintrested, distracted. So I see some fucking tweets back and forth with some unknown person. And for all I know it could be a guy but it doesnt seem like it and one of there messages is "keep talking to the people about the 11th we need to rock out together" And for all I know it could be his friend Mark but it hit me like a punch in the face. The fact that he will or could be already into someone is inevetible-It's gonna happen and its gonna fucking burn. I'm so mad at myself for not putting my guard up. For letting myself fall in love with him. I haven't cried for quite awhile with out the Ex factor. Fuck i forgot how bad it hurts to love like this. How do I walk away? I don want to? Everything in my being says I need him. I am so miserable without his laugh in my life. Without his drive to get exactly what he wants. His honesty. His heart. Fuck how did it get this deep in just a year? Damn it Derek why can't I just be the exeption...just this once!!

U Love Me 2day

Oh today was a good day with you. Yes a week ago we were in the same city, and now we are 24 hrs away from each other but tonite was golden. I thought nights like this were gone forever. I thought I had lost you. It seems like ages since we laughed and talked for hours on the phone. With a sweet mix of light underlying flirtatiousness and happiness oozing from each cell phone across 7 states. Why was I so giggly? Because I felt hope again. Maybe its minuscule shreds of hope but it still lives and breathes in the depths of my damaged heart. And for the first time in months came the rebirth of that image. The one that got me through day to day. The one of me coming home to you in a mid-town Philadelphia apartment. The one where I am doing a piece on our good friend Dave Navarro for a publication and you are shooting the images for my piece. The one where I come home and your upstairs in your studio and we greet each other with a kiss and a smile. The one where as we get ready to meet up with Dave we end up giggling and joking around and diving into bed. You remind me not to wear heels because Dave is still a little self conscious about his height. The dream of all dreams. I don't need money. I don't need a fancy car. I do need our dreams to come true career wise and I do need a love thats my best friend. That gets me, as twisted as I may be. Sure it might be far fetched but its not dead and gone. I love u D.

Miss Us

I know-you think there isn't an 'us'. I haven't talked to you in over a week and a piece of me is definitely missing. I feel like your completely ignoring me.?? In one week i have sent a text, an email and a facebook msg and got zero response. Sure you WERE on vacation but now your not. Maybe you met someone? Good for you-but if we are nothing anyway-if we are just friends or if I am your manager then why won't you respond? I may have even landed you an incredible gig and NOTHING. Is it because I am coming home in a few days? Do you hate seeing me that much? Then tell me! Tell me you cant pick me up from the airport-I will get a car or you know I have other friends, I just thought it would be nice to be with you! This shit is killing me. To the point where last nite I had this vivid dream in which you decide you are in love with my mom, and guess what, she's in love with you too! Mid-dream it switches from my mom to one of my best friends. The worst part isn't that you chose them over me its that you don't care at all and we are no longer friends. So I am not sure what I did, if anything but this sucks. As pathetic and lonely as it may sound I do love you Derek. I wish I didn't. I'm so fucking tired of loving men who don't love me. I thought I would grow on you but if you can just stop talking to me like this so easily then obviously I haven't. You just can't get past the fat right? Just like Scott. Well I am working on it, I really am. I wish it could happen over nite, and even more I wish I spent my life thin but we both know that I would have been married years ago if I had so I probably wouldn't even know you right now. It's like there is no middle-either I choose Ron and he accepts me for who I am and I gradually lose the weight while I have a man or I work my ass off and stay single and only when I am say 70 pounds lighter, THEN I may have a chance at a guy I love if they havent all already found some model/musician/lawyer/actress. Oh or I could say fuck you to everyone and be a bitter, single, fat girl with a cat. NOPE thats not an option. Well time to do some positive thinking on my own since it feels as though I've lost you. Thanks for the memories.

My weekend w/ "The Band"

How did I get so lucky...its crazy if you follow it backwards and its all because of Charlene and Vic. It started at Delaware State Fair, I had talked to Char a few times online and normally after a Live show I would just leave but I wanted to meet her...so I went off to the side of the stage and we met and I met Char Vic and Jen...then out comes Adam and he brings Jimmy. It doesn't stop there. I move to Jersey and Char is my only friend other than Kristi near by and she invites me to Khybar to see Jimmy, and I meet Mary Anne (I am sure I met her at a live show but I cant remember, and then Mary Anne recommends me to help them with rooms.....and here I am tonite.....

The show was great. QUICK but great. The fans liked them. They weren’t like crazy into it but Jimmy worked the crowd and it worked. the first surprise was as they come out April is with them...she plays keyboards-Loche is strictly guitar. You guys-they rocked out big time.!!!They were all energetic-even Race. The vibe was great, Jimmy seemed happy and so did everyone else. They still have James from Plane Jane and automobiles as their drummer. It works. They opened with Willing. next they went to a new song which I forgot to ask the name of it but he announced that he wrote it for Michael Jackson. I would guess its called "Sing to Me" Very upbeat feel to this-but not in an annoyingly happy way. Good stuff. If they do it again tomorrow I will record-I didn’t want to record it tonite bc I had JUST recorded willing and the people in front of me were cocking their heads so they wouldn’t be in my way. After that he said to the crowd that he noticed Blue October fans like to sing so he would gladly help them warm up and would love for them to join in and sang Bohemian Rhapsody Intro...into Murder. After Murder was LIVE AGAIN and he thanked the crowd after that and closed with Fallen Souls. As I was walking out of the crowd a dude saw my shirt(wore the OURS shirt Jimmy gave me) and maybe saw that I was dancing to them and was the only one really in my area and he stopped me and goes-"Hey they were really fucking good do they have a cd?" So I had to school him and a few people around him seemed interested. Earlier in the day April had texted me and told me to meet her at the merch table after the set. I took my time a little bc I knew she would be selling and talking to other people-After about 20 minutes I went out and Jimmy’s sister(the one that looks kind of white trashy and has a loud mouth-one of the ones who danced on the stage in NYC-but not the really pretty one) I waited a little and she saw me and motioned me over. We talked for about 20 min. I asked about Europe and talked about Texas. I told her about starting to try to be a band manager and told her I was trying to book for Caitlin and Blue Hippo. She said if there is anything they can do to help me get into the business they would. We talked about how Caitlin was w/ Race for like 5 years and 8 months after they broke up she got married-April said "I have no idea how that happens-maybe bc it still hasn’t happen to me" I go "what you cant find love on the road?" and she laughed and goes "Hell no" That made me happy. I am starting to like her(NOTE: that doesn’t mean I think her football song is good!!) but I don’t want her and Jimmy to be all in love-haha! So I think I misread it last year. At some point this asshole comes up and is like "Dude where’s the band" she was like "I don’t know I cant keep track of all of them" and he was all "R they coming out what’s going on>" If I were her I would have been like "I guess you will have to see" but she went and got them. While she went up I watched the Merch stand and this asshole redskins fan talked my ear off And then the guy I had talked to inside came to buy CD's..April came back right in time I was trying to figure out where they kept the cds! So the guys were with her-all of them-and weird enough Race came right up to me(I am pretty sure I have never talked to him before-just hi and maybe bye Haha) He goes "Where did you get that shirt? He was all shocked and I said "Jimmy gave it to me" he goes "Wow he gave you his-we made them in I think 92 and we made about 20-10 just had ours across the front and 10 were like yours---we each got one, and we mostly just gave them to family and friends who have since lost them-mine had just OURS across the front and some one broke into my car and stole everything including the shirt so I was always waiting to see someone with it on so I could know who robbed me" He was very sweet and fun to talk to. I decided I would risk it and tell him I was trying to manage blue hippo-he opened up and talked to me about Caitlin and his relationship and that she left him suddenly and that after she did he was miserable, crushed, confused, didn’t want to talk to anyone etc. I told him I was sorry I brought it up and he said "No no you made me realize I’m ok, I can actually talk about it now w/o it burning a hole through me." While we were talking jimmy was behind me and at one point he grabbed my arm and I turned around and he said to the people he was talking to "Hold on you guys have to see this" and he tugs on me again and hugs the crap out of me and like 6 people are just starring-then he turns me towards them and says "Check out this shirt-talk about vintage" he told them that it was the 1st shirt they ever made and him and Race put there money together to get them and that there was only one left that he hung on to for years knowing that he would find someone to give it to that would appreciate the history behind it and truly deserve it and then nods his head toward me and grabs my hand. :-) Race manages to pull me back to him and he tells me after the tour he’s moving to San Fran and we start to talk about living far away from everyone we know and love. Then we got on the subject of bands and concerts that are amazing live. He told me he has seen U2 live 12 times and I told him I always talk myself out of spending that much on a ticket. He insisted I put away money now and get them on eBay or stub hub the nite before. He asked when the Dallas one was and I told him oct which lead to him saying he’s going sept. 25th and maybe the 24th at Giants stadium and I was like "Oh that’s cool that’s when I will be back in jersey". At which point he said "u should go with us-let me give you my number-call me if you want to go" Hahahaha so cool I have Races #! So when Race and I are done I look around and Jimmy is gone. I was bummed but knew I still had tomorrow. I went over to say bye to April and she gave me my hoodie w Tela on the front of it and I said "I am paying for this!" and Static was there and was like "No your not-in fact you should take one of everything-have you seen the shirt with Jimmy’s face on it-this is hot right now" I told him he should run merch and April said "He was a sales mgr before all this so he is really good with it" He ended up handing me a shirt with Jimmy on it and race came over and goes "Static do you know who this is, this is Heather and we get to shower because of her" Hahaha...so those two disappear and April goes "Did you even get to talk to Jimmy" I said "Not really but no biggie maybe I will get a chance tomorrow" She goes "Well I have to go to the dressing room anyway you might as well come up" We go up and up and up and at this point I am sweating-Just like the Philly show-We get there and Loche is on one of the two couches sleepin, and Jimmy is on his cell phone along with his sister. I walk in and Jimmy says "Hey Heather-we are trying to do a shot with everyone back home, you want one?" And YES I am on my 21day cleanse to get RID of toxins but its Jimmy Fucking Gnecco offering me a shot-I can't say no right? Haha so I get my shot of Makers Mark and they try to get their family to focus and everyone in NJ has their shot-I thought about calling u Char but didn’t want to wake up Sie! At first I am feeling totally uncomfortable-his sister is rambling on and on and on about how she has a beard and she is making everyone touch her face and asking if she should wax it or try to get it lasered off! She’s all "Jimmy is my brother he will tell me the truth" Jimmy said "Look if it bothers you then take care of it, Its just maintenance we all have to do it" she stood under a spot light and she’s like "I am just asking the guys, is it visible while I am in the light" they were both like "Yes" hahaha it was just like blond peach fuzz! Somewhere in this convo Race walks in and is all like "Hey were doing shots?-Heather has to do one" and Jimmy goes "She already did" Race says "I'm not doing one without her and Jimmy looks at me and I say "Ok why not" Race, Me and the random dude that was with his sister did a shot(Jimmy didn't do another one) At this point Blue October went on. We were in a room above the stage with windows in it! Jimmy said "You want to see the show" and we walk over to the window...while we are over there everyone but Loche still sleeping leaves the room........I am going to part 2 now--JUST because you guys need a breather and I don't know if the email can run out of space!! hahahaha And Part 2 just feels like it needs to be separated!!!!

OK here goes-are you ready? The first thing we talked about was blue October. He said that the lead singer is a BIG Ours fan and just praises them every nite and he invites him on stage some nights which is some of the best publicity you can get to have a band where they have 2000 fans really into them say "Hey this dude is amazing you should check them out" really really helps them. He then points out that one of the guys has a tattoo of a dragon on top of his head he was like "Now that's dedication" I told him I really want more ink but I want to make sure it really has meaning. He said "Yeah I really wish I had thought that way-a lot of this, the black flames are just covering tattoos I regret ed, ones I didn't think through" I told him I loved the microphone tattoo and he (in a disappointed way) goes 'yeah that one means a lot but everyone is getting it now, a lot of Ours fans are getting it.' I foolishly then said "Yeah I would really like to get something that represents Ours but I don't want to be generic and just get the O or Tela-I told him I thought about a small red colored star in the palm of my hand" and he just kinda smiled and nodded but it seemed like he was just being polite! Haha which is fine.

I then said "Maybe I shouldn't bring this up but how is your mom" He smiled and said "Of course you can bring it up, I mean I had a benefit for her and you were there, don't feel bad about bringing up anything" He said "She’s a little trooper, about a month or two ago doctors were saying it would be a few days and she told them no she wasn't ready. She has a very strong will and is a very positive, stubborn at times, woman. So we know its coming, there is no way to turn back, no chance of recovery so its kind of just a waiting game at this point which sucks but she is still all there mentally so that's good" I then told him about my dad and how the hardest part was in the end when his mind went and he wasn't him anymore and how I remember those parts so clearly but so much of it is a blur" He said "losing people we love is so hard, as you know I'm sure I have lost a lot of people I loved, but what can we do other than remember them and keep there memories alive"

Oh and to set up a visual at this point I am sitting on the couch sideways and he is sitting on the arm of the couch(love seat) and leaning on the back-Then he lies on his side across the back of the couch and I sit Indian style and he asks me "So girly how is Texas treating you" I kinda laughed. I told him "to start I believe that everything happens for a reason but there are some days I still have my doubts about Texas" He laughed and said "Is it the people or the area" I said "Oh its the people, their mentality is incredible one sided, racist, republican, redneck, they talk about their guns and their cowboys and most of them have that phoniness about them like "Hey welcome to Texas your gonna love it everyone is so nice" but it seems in-genuine" He said "Yeah I know exactly what you mean-esp. when he was in office you would cross that state line and immediately feel something wrong" He said part of his family lives here and he remembers visiting when he was like 7 or 8 and being forced to watch them kill a chicken or a turkey and cook it for dinner, he goes "Woo that changed my life" He asked me how I like the weather if I like the winters up north and I go "Hell no but I definitely don't like this kind of heat either" He said he does and talked about how he always feels cold and how the AC effects his throat. He said "one thing I hate about hot places like this is everywhere you go the AC is on full blast" I told him that's how work was and I am still wearing like NJ suits-all black long sleeve and they all think I'm crazy. then we talked about Hyatt Place-He said "Man we love it-its our home away from home and it smells so good what is that?" Ha ha I explained we have these hidden sent machines and that it sucks BC after you work there 50 hours a week you don't smell it anymore. He said "I am one of those people everything has to smell good, I love those oil burners they have now-I always use them at home" I was like "Oh have you seen the Wallflower units at bath and body works they have the oil but they are plug ins" he was all "Oh I have to check that out I usually get mine at Body Shop" He said I get my hemp lotion there which I use everyday! I go "maybe that’s what makes you smell so good-you have a very unique smell" ahaha yes I went there---and he said "So many people tell me that and they say that Damian and ? One of his sisters I cant remember-have it too. he said that the guys say the less he showers the better he smells!! He goes "how lucky is that" Shit so it must be something in his blood!!!:haha I couldn't believe I was having THIS conversation with Mr. Jimmy Gnecco! Hahaha.

So back to Texas. Things got a little serious and I told him that Texas has made me realize that for so long I have wanted to be in the music biz someway somehow and that I was trying to get into management and was just so pissed at myself for just doing what’s expected of me and picking some random career and going with it. He said "its never too late but I do know exactly where you are-he paused a little and seemed upset and goes, yeah let me tell you, I was on the brink of entering the corporate world, my dad works for bell atlantic and he has his whole life and it was sort of like expected that we work for the same company, in fact Damian still does. It was 97 and I was writing for other people, just non stop writing writing writing, and I was working for Bell atlantic but the opportunity came up to get an inside job in the sector my dad worked in which was very hard to get in and they were very selective, 8 of us went to the school and only two of us passed. At which point they said "Ok now we have to take the time to decide between the two of you" He said "It was March 2007 and I was supposed to go to Memphis to write with Jeff(at first I had no idea who Jeff was) and the nite before I go to leave they offer me the position and I take it and I send Race in my place bc we wrote together sometimes. The first few weeks Jeff keeps calling and saying you gotta get down here we need you and I know that I don't get 2 weeks off for 6 months so I tell them I am sorry but I cant do it until the 6 months are up" He said the beginning of May they beep him on his beeper that its an emergency and they cant find Jeff, he disappeared. they asked Jimmy to come down and help get all his stuff out of his apartment because there was a chick living there that was all cracked out and they were worried she would take all of Jeff's stuff. So Jimmy told his boss it was an emergency and got in his car and went and on his way there they beep him and he calls and they tell him they found Jeff in a river, he had drowned. He said "I met Mrs. Buckley when I got there and her and I still talk to this day and she told me you cannot let your talent go to waste" he said the following Monday he quite the job at Bell Atlantic and faced his father. I asked if he was understanding and he said "Well, he didn't necessarily agree with it but he understood and he let me go" He said "The craziest part is the first show we did after I quite we got signed that night" WOW can you believe that????? I was so baffled and just couldn't believe he told me all that. He was like "Anyway-the point is we have to do what’s in our hearts-as hard as it is and as much as other people don't think we can and expect us to do other things its so important to do what we want so I think that there is a reason for Texas and its to show you that"

At this point I rambled on about how honored I am to have him in my life and how I realize so many people would die to be in my shoes right now, I said that he has that way about him that is so completely genuine and its so rare. I said I have stood there and watched people stand in line to talk to you and then pour out their souls to you and you listen, and respond and you seem to actually care about what everyone is telling you. He kept smiling and I think I was getting a little chocked up so he got up and came over and hugged me for like 2 minutes! WOW! Then he said "But for me that's what this is all about-in fact that's why we are called OURS-its not about just us or about money or fame its about this is OUR passion and Our music and I don't mean just us as a band I mean everyone that's listening" Oh my god-just incredible!!! I said "wow I am so sorry I am taking up so much of your time" BC his sister came into the room mid serious convo and had some annoying lady and goes "We don't want to int erupt but she wants to talk to you sometime tonite" and Jimmy was like "Oh that's fine y ou guys can stay up here its cool we are just talking" and I think they waited a few minutes-raided the fridge and left us. He said to me "That's one good thing about me know-I do what I want to and right now I am doing exactly what I want to" and smiled. then we lightened it up again and got off the couch and watched more of the show-it was coming to an end and I was recognizing a lot of the songs-we then talked about how great this crowd was and again talked about the hatred of Manson fans and even Circa Survive-He also warned me that its a very very hard biz and that the pay sucks. He said they get $1000 a show and that's for everything-paying April-gas-food-lodging, he said to make any money we need to make 2500 a show but that's fine-we will get there. He said that in Houston the night before they tried to pull some shit and say "You need to pay the venue $550 to mix your stuff and to have a sound guy" and Jimmy goes "Ok then we aren't performing" He said everything is a battle-anytime we say Blue Hippo open for them or Adam or Zoe Bonham that he had to fight with the promoters to let them be openers-even at real small venues. He said he didn't want to discourage me but he wanted me to know its not all Rock and Roll ;-) We also talked about the solo acoustic album and he said it was so quick and easy and everything was just full speed ahead and every once in a while they stop that full speed and try to make changes but I just wont allow it-right now they are mixing it and he said he is very happy with it. Oh also April told me the whole next OURS record is already written and the songs are unbelievable, even better than Mercy. YAY!!!!! I'm sure there is stuff I am forgetting bc we talked from 9p to 10:55 p ;-) I then said "I am gonna let you get to other people, it was so great talking to you-and Race came in and hugged me and said "We will see you tomorrow right" and I said "Absolutely" and Jimmy said "Well good then this isn't goodbye and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and walked me out......He stopped and said “Hey if you want you could come out early to sound check and just hang with us and see how it is” I accepted gratefully!! He said to talk to April about times nad details. I stopped and thanked April and she said I should come down around 5p and do sound check and just chill, oh and we have off Monday so we are partying tomorrow so be prepared to party with us" HOLY SHIT!!! I needed this soooo badly!!! I only wish my girls were here to share this with me!!!

DAY 2

The last two days were everything I had been hoping for the past 3 or 4 yrs! I am so grateful and honored and I now know that I need to fight to make this my career. Yeah its not all glamorous but even though there is BS you have to deal with everyday its still about 1000x's better than my job. So April texted me and said there sound check was at 6pm but feel free to come whenever that they would get to the venue around 4:30pm. I had a bunch or errands to run so I left at 5pm. I hit some traffic and got there around 5:35pm. When I got there I text April and she wasn't responding-I started to get nervous and thought "What the hell should I do she told me to text her" So I waited about 5 minutes and decided to call. She answered and said she would be right back. She was more like the April I remembered today-she seemed a little like I was putting her out but I realized all the stuff that's her responsibility each day and I can see why she gets stressed(and I still don't like her music) haha. So the entrance we went in took you right to the stage and she said "We just got everything set up so just stand here and enjoy" Jimmy was already on stage and static and race came back to get their gear-static said "Hey how’s it going-did you have a good nite?" I said "Yeah how bout you" He said "I partied with Justin(blue oct lead singer) and Ryan(violinist) on their bus and I am hurting today" Haha-he goes "I haven't done Jaeggerbombs in ages" Then Race gave me a big hug and said "You made it out early today" I felt SOOO uncomfortable--and in the way---The guys from switchfoot were setting up and they were nice-the lead singer goes to me "Which one are you dating" and I laughed and said "None of them, I'm just a friend" He said "Come on your dating April" hahaha So as I stood there and experienced what happens during a sound check I learned a few things. The sound guy was a dick head. Jimmy would tell him he needed more bass, or that his monitors were wrong and the guy argued with everything he asked for he goes "That's too much bass, its not gonna work" Jimmy is a character! He was making jokes and dancing all crazy. April couldn't figure something out on the keyboards and he was showing her and all motivating her saying things like "You know this little one" and patting her head. She would swat him away. She’s the only one that seemed nervous before the show, but I guess that makes sense. I really saw how good Static is during sound check. That not only is he extraordinary on the guitar but he switch and tweaks his petals a lot and I was watching his foot and he would just bounce petal to petal-It was really f-ing cool. After the sound check Jimmy came over and wrapped his arms around me and said "Heather" and said "We are going upstairs if you want to come" and he held the door and had me lead the way-I felt so weird him walking up the stairs behind me-super self conscious that I was going too slow and that I looked huge. Sorry just being honest-not to mention its like 40 stairs so I knew I would be out of breathe at the top! Anyways-we went in and as soon as we went in he goes "Oh shit I forgot food-you want to come down and get something" I was all "No I'm good" there was no way I could go up and down those stairs again in the heat! So it did feel pretty awkward sitting there while they all ate. Including Jimmy's sister and his friend Toni (he was there the nite before too) Luckily they don't eat much so it was only about 5 minutes of weirdness. Then James said "we go on at 7:30 right" and they said yeah and he left. Then Race and Static went somewhere. At one point it was just me and Jimmy and I go "Hey should I go I don't want to get in the way or anything" and he said "We don't do anything well.....and he was trying to think of what to say and then he says "Well can't ejaculate before a show so you wont witness anything too crazy" hahahaha I was shocked! It was so funny. He had a little portable water boiler so he plugged that in and got his hot water. Then Loche comes in and just starts undressing in front of me! Haha I was like oh shit where should I be looking-and next thing you know he’s in his boxers and jimmy is shirtless and race is shirtless. WOW! hahaha good times! No I did feel weird like I shouldn't have been there but oh well-they acted like the didn't care. Jimmy then said "Hey Heather" I said "Hey Jimmy" he brought his laptop to me and he had 4 pictures pulled up-three were very similar and one had his head down(the rest he was looking at the camera) He said "I am trying to decide for the acoustic album what photo to use on the jacket." I told him "I really like the one with your head down but I like the last of the three that are similar bc it looks like your about to smile" He said "That’s the one I like the best too, I might have to not use the one with my head down bc its like the cover of Grace(Jeff Buckley) maybe I could use it on the back" I felt like a Make a Wish kid! I hope that doesn't sound mean but it just felt I was getting like massive VIP treatment. THEN Jimmy’s sister said she was gonna go down and Toni said "Why do you stand in the back don’t you want to stand on stage and she said "No I want to see all of Jimmy not just the back of him" Toni goes "Its your friggin brother you have seen him all your life" and Jimmy said "She wants to see my best side" and pointed from his waste down! hahaha he’s crazy! Then Jimmy goes "you know what you have to do to earn a laminate(all access pass) and he dangles it in front of his crotch" Toni goes "Dude that’s your fucking sister" and he goes "I was talking to you" hahaha So Toni and his sister(who he called Teeny) left and he asked me where I wanted to watch the show. He goes "You can watch ON STAGE or where ever you want" April said she would give me her laminate and I could go everywhere and just to meet her up here right after the set so she could go sell merch. KICK ASS Then it was time for Jimmy to put his eyeliner on ;-) April held up a tiny little mirror for him and he kept adjusting it and in a funny voice saying "I cant see nothing less you hold it in the light mama" and she said "I knew you were gonna use red tonite" and he goes "Well I have the last 3 nites so what do you mean you knew?" They argue like brother and sister-its cute. So they headed down and one weird thing I noticed is Jimmy pulled out one of those orange prescription bottles and said "I’m gonna give this to you I will use it in the green room" So I have no idea what that was bc it looked empty when I looked over at it so maybe he was keeping something else in it? We talked about drugs later and he said he doesn’t smoke at all and he hasn’t done shrooms in quite a while. So I am not sure what it was but I had to share. So I started by watching the show down stairs and everyone kept looking at my pass-which was kinda cool-but I couldn’t get that close-But I did stay down there to videotape "Sing for Me" After that ended I thought about going into the pit but I knew they would see me taking photos and I didn’t want to seem like a groupie ;-P So I went to the top floor and cut across to the back stairs that led to the stage. Switchfoot was sitting on the right side watching them so I had to walk behind the stage to get to the other side. I was imagining me running into something or knocking something over and interrupting the show but luckily that didn’t happen. It was cool to see the crowd but not cool to see they weren’t really into it. At least they didn’t yell anything negative and they clapped pretty loud after each song. So the only change in the set list was Sometimes instead of Live Again(bummer) and it seemed to be over before it started. After the show I went up stairs and waited for April and she took the pass and went down and I was like I have no idea where I should be. I didn’t want to take up Jimmy’s time like I did Saturday and I didn’t want to get in the way so I watched some of Switchfoot from the VIP balcony area. Then I went in the room and it was just James so I left and went to merch to talk to April.


So I went down to talk to April for awhile because James was in the room-along with Loche who was sleeping again! ;-) April was telling me how she hates doing merch bc she’s not good at small talk and bc they shared a table with Switchfoot after their set was over like 100 people crowd the table and while there merch guy is busy they keep asking April questions about Switchfoot merch or thinking she worked w them so it was very awkward and uncomfortable-and she would like let them tell her what they want and THEN say "You need to wait for him" She said its really hard for her to push people to guy stuff. So the next person that came up for a free poster I go "Hey the poster won't do you any good without the CD-Its only 10 bucks and its some of the best music you could possibly hear, come on its only 10 bucks" He said "alright you talked me into it" Haha! I said "IF you want to hang with them or take a break I can do merch for you and she said "I'm ok right now but thanks for offering" She told me right before I came down there was a dude who had flown in from Detroit for the show bc he got a cheap last minute flight and he had missed their set ;-( She felt really bad so she went and got Jimmy and Jimmy invited him to hang out backstage but the guy was like "That's OK I just wanted to hear your set" He was nice about it but was kinda like "How is hanging out with you gonna help me hear your music" I think Jimmy was a little shocked he got that shitty grin on his face. At some point Race came over and said "Are you girls ready to drink yet?" and we both said yes and April asked Switch foot merch guy to watch the stand. We went to the room and April poured 1/2 my friggin cup w/ Makers and said she was going to get some wine...but she never came back-Race did a shot and then said he was gonna go find April and left so it was me, sleeping loche and James in the room. I sat on the couch loche wasn't sleeping on and started to text Derek ;-) James came and sat next to me(in silence) and pulled out his laptop and proceeded to watch Weeds w/ his headphones on. A few minutes later Loche jumped up quick and looked at me and goes in a sleepy voice "Hi Heather" and falls right back asleep. Me and James looked at each other and started laughing. James took one of his earphones off and I said "I love this show but I have missed the whole season" He said "Yeah me too-this is episode one do you want to watch it with me? and he got an adapter so we could plug my earphones in too (I had got my ipod out to listen to) So we watched Weeds and Jimmy came up and smiled at us and got his laptop out and put his headphones on-he was mixing the acoustic album. Right when the episode ended Static came in and sat on the chair next to the couch I was on and started talking to me. (I was shocked-he is really nice) He asked me about Hyatt Place and what my position was, I told him about the transfer. We talked about how weird Texas was which lead to how cool Austin is and then we started to talk about cities we loved up north including New Hope, Hoboken, Bethlehem etc He told me how he managed a music store in Passaic and some of his managerial tricks. Some how I cant remember we started to talk about movies-Oh I think he was telling me about a small town in California that he always saw Curtis Armstrong (from better off dead and millions of other movies) then we talked about Better off dead and Jimmy piped in and was doing lines from the movie! He is so funny!! Then Static and I talked about actors that we thought were under rated-I said I really like Don Cheadle and don’t like Scarlett Johansson and he said he loves Don Cheadle and doesn't think he’s seen Scarlett in anything-I said her last few films have been Woody Allen films-Race had been next to me on the couch and I didn't know and he said he loved Woody Allen movies. Very cool conversation. Jimmy took his headset off and put his laptop away and said he was really hungry. Static said he thinks the food is put away but that we should raid Blue Oct dressing room! Haha so we went to their room and went in and he was right there was a spread for when they get off stage and tons of alcohol-Jimmy poured me some Malibu. He said "This drink is for girls why are they drinking it" Part of the walls were chalkboard and there was a big bucket of that fat sidewalk chalk so Jimmy and Static were writing shit on the wall like Justin Luvs Ryan and Malibu is for pussys! hahhahahhaha OMG it was soooo fun! Then we went on side stage to watch Blue Oct for a little and damn it I had to pee so I told them I was going up and they stayed. I went pee and went back to the room and it was just Loche. I sat on the couch next to his and he woke up and looked at me and patted the cushion on the couch next to him for me to come over. I sat next to him and he all cuddled up against me and said "I wake up and there is heather and I'm like I need to talk to her and I fall back asleep then I wake up again and your not here and it just kept happening" He then fell asleep again and had his head on my shoulder. April walked in and looked at us and just started laughing. I go "He was awake a minute ago talking to me and next thing u know he’s out" Then Static and jimmy came in and go "Oh now loche will never leave bc your his new pillow" Around this time the show ended and April went down to pack up merch. All the guys were in the room and Jimmy was talking about Pitt and his new band-which must be a pretty big band bc he said "When the crowd is all singing along he just claps his hands over his head I don’t even know if he knows the words but Pitt acts like this dude is some sort of god" Then he mocked Pitt and goes "The day I stop playing music is the day I leave OURS" Hmmm still a little bitterness there I guess-But then he brought up his cousin mark ;-( and how him and pitt used to get into fist fights and Mark would always start it with like a hooligan kick and he was of course showing us how and he almost kicked race dead in the face! They were all laughing and carrying on. April then texted static and said "She needs help at merch w the money and stuff" So they all packed up there stuff and we headed down. Did you know they have to give each venue a percentage of their sales?? I never knew that. April also told me that there merch has to match the price of the headlines so when they toured w Manson their hoodie was 70 bucks!! She said they didn't sell anything but CD's on that tour. So she paid them and we all headed outside. All the guys from Blue October came out and Justin(lead singer) was going on and on about how much he loved jimmy and kept hugging him and goes "Man we should be opening for you" I thought that was pretty cool. Then Jimmy says "I really don’t want to go to that chics house it was such a pain in the ass last time but I already said we would go" April goes "Who cares, I have her # I can tell her we cant do it" and he said "Yeah I want to mix a little more and then head to bed" So no after party. So I started to say my goodbyes ;-( They were quick goodbyes-Jimmy said in my ear "You will be fine, don’t give up on what you want Heather" and kissed my cheek. Got hugs from everyone but James ;-) They all thanked me and Jimmy said "Hope we see you again soon and hope today wasn't too boring for you" hahahahahaha are u kidding me?? Gotta say it was physically hard to drive away, I didn't want it to end, I wanted to say “Ok I will do anything you want but I am coming with you no matter what” Instead it was back to reality. But I will never ever forget this amazing weekend!!

The Lucky One

Today was a roller coaster day. The highs were extremely high and the lows...well they were below sea level. So in one of my most recent posts I mentioned that I have three men in my life that I would be very grateful to be with. And as much as I love the EX as a person I am shameful that I included him as part of the three. If it hasn't worked in nearly 8 years its not fucking going to!! I've accepted that. Then there are the remaining two. Each of them was responsible for my roller coaster day. Mr FedEx practically drowned me today. He said something hurtful and I responded and one tiny thing turned into buttons being pushed so fierce, like a buzzer on a game show that is keeping you from 100 grand. He made me feel used, suggested I wasn't capable of making my dreams come true. The hardest part about this is he usually does just the opposite. He inspires me and pushes me...but not today.

Luckily Scott ended my day for me. He didn't even know I had had a crap day, he was being genuine and open and he made me feel adored. He told me that by reading my mini novel about my weekend with the band (I will post it after this) he realized how close he felt to me because he felt happy when he could feel how happy I was. He said he realized how lucky he is to have me in his life and that I lift him up with my humor, whether it be self deprecating or not and that I effect him.....It feels good to hear that. I cant' remember the last time someone has complimented me in such a meaningful way. As much as i feel love for Derek I think I would always come second to his passion, his photography. Scott has always been that guy that I wanted to love but I wouldn't allow myself. I knew from the very beginning I wasn't who he was looking for so what was the point of setting myself up for that heartache...it goes without saying that I still allowed myself to be crazy about him, just not fall in love. BUT a lot has changed from the beginning. No more Ron...trying to get healthy..going after my dreams...making more money...furthering my career...becoming more confident....maybe our timing was off. I just can't wait to see what the future brings!

My heart is split in 3

If the ruler of fate and destiny came to me and said "You have already met the man you will spend the rest of your life with" I would be ok with that. In fact I think it would be a huge weight lifted A) Because I would know there is SOMEONE I am going to be with and not just me and my kitty cat...I am refering to an actual cat...not my...anyways. B) because there are 3 men in my life that I love, 3 men that I would graciously spend the rest of my life with.

And the candidates are? Well there is the ever present, why don't you go away for good EX. As of now I would have to say NOT 'the one' BUT, if a bunch of things changed and our stars aligned once again I can see it working in the future...To be honest even though we have had love before he is probably more of a stretch than the other two loves in my life.

Number two would be my sensitive, musically skilled, vegetarian-vampire dream man Scott. He has been one of my best friends the past few years. He is incredible. Successful, funny, emotional and gorgeous to boot. The day he got into the backseat of Kristi's car changed my life forever. Man I would be lucky to land him. Anyone would.

Oh and of course the 3rd and final piece of my heart is the infamous pro photog with dreamy eyes, Derek. Now although he doesnt see it, and to be fair none of the three do, I have this vision of this dude in my future. Like its destined to happen. Where do I start? You've heard it all before...he really is a day brightener, he cheers me up when I'm down, he gives me hope in my dreams and I do the same for him. His passion and love for his photography is so refreshing, so sexy. Not to mention we have pretty much the identical sick twisted sense of humor. We laugh and laugh over stuff that most of the human race just wouldn't get.

And of course each of these three potential future loves of my life have flaws, some more than others, but so do I. I am very fortunate to have them in my life, they all have a piece of my heart and I don't want that to change until I find someone who is ready to give their whole heart to me...and only then...will I do the same.