Stronger

I want to be this person that some days I still doubt. I mostly doubt that I can be that person on days we don't talk. I hate that I am that way. I should be able to push myself to believe in myself without someone I love telling me I can do it. Again I love someone who doesn't love me back, not more than friends at least. When will this stop? I think of u so much. Today I said "I miss ya" and you didn't acknowledge it. I'm such a fucking dumb ass for doing this again. They say you don't chose who you love--is this true because if its not my choice why does the universe keep sending me amazing guys I can't have. They say its because subconciously thats what I want, thats all I think I deserve but thats complete bull shit. I believe I deserve for him to love me back, the same way I thought I deserved to have a boyfriend that wanted me, to fuck me, to kiss me, to touch my skin. I DESERVE all of that. I'm so angry that it seems like everyone finds love except me. I fall in love and thats where it stops. I'm even trying to be independent and have a meaningless relationship just for the sex and some companionship but there is a fine fine line. First of all even though the sex is good its empty. And in my heart it feels like I am cheating...just because I love someone else! And I am in no way interested in dating this kid(and my kid I mean KID he is 12 years younger-oops) but its still kind of annoying that he texts while he's w me or checks his facebook to talk to girls. The other nite he goes "You know I like you" As if he was surprised. And then he followed it up with "ITs too bad your so old-I will probably want to get married by the time I'm 30 but you will be 42 by then" THANKS! Haha I can't win. I will continue to picture the man I love when I go to my happy place. Maybe someday when his heart has room for someone other than his dreams(which don't get me wrong i do admire) maybe he will let me in. I love u D...I just need to be stronger-Have more willpower to make my dreams come true w/o you...