How can we know for sure?

When you let love go......because the two of you just can't seem to get it right. When you fight and fight and they make you feel awful and you think "Why do I stay in this relationship!!"...BUT...when its time, how do you know for sure your doing the right thing. Other people can convince me all day long. "You don't need him" "You deserve better" "You guys are both great people but your just not made for each other" But they aren't there in your most intimate amazing times with said person AND they aren't there when your at your lowest low, in your darkest hour so how do they know whats right? One of my friends said to me tonite "Unless both people are willing to give 100% to that relationship it won't work and it wasn't meant to be" If this is true then nothing I have ever done, no one I have ever loved was anything real. He played a song for me called Brown Eyed Blues(not FOR me but just so I could here it) The lyrics go:
"She’s got those eyes, those eyes
That’ll see right through you
When she leaves that night
I wanna leave, with her too
And she’s on my mind
And I go all the time
When we touch I go weak
And I can hardly speak
And I hope that she thinks about me
Cos I’m always thinking of her

I just wanna hold her hand, be her man
I wanna know if she’d take a chance
Cos I still have not revealed it
Cos I still get the feelin
That lovin her is a game I’ll always lose
I got the brown eyed blues"

And it hits me that it is possible for a man to feel this crazy about a woman but I have never been that women. No one has ever felt these things for me. Should I be hoping for this or is the real world what I experienced for the last 8 years, is that the strongest love I will find? Did I make a mistake. Should I try to get him back>? Or does the love in song lyrics romance novels and on cool summer nites even exist.....Of course it does but does it exist for me?

Stronger

I want to be this person that some days I still doubt. I mostly doubt that I can be that person on days we don't talk. I hate that I am that way. I should be able to push myself to believe in myself without someone I love telling me I can do it. Again I love someone who doesn't love me back, not more than friends at least. When will this stop? I think of u so much. Today I said "I miss ya" and you didn't acknowledge it. I'm such a fucking dumb ass for doing this again. They say you don't chose who you love--is this true because if its not my choice why does the universe keep sending me amazing guys I can't have. They say its because subconciously thats what I want, thats all I think I deserve but thats complete bull shit. I believe I deserve for him to love me back, the same way I thought I deserved to have a boyfriend that wanted me, to fuck me, to kiss me, to touch my skin. I DESERVE all of that. I'm so angry that it seems like everyone finds love except me. I fall in love and thats where it stops. I'm even trying to be independent and have a meaningless relationship just for the sex and some companionship but there is a fine fine line. First of all even though the sex is good its empty. And in my heart it feels like I am cheating...just because I love someone else! And I am in no way interested in dating this kid(and my kid I mean KID he is 12 years younger-oops) but its still kind of annoying that he texts while he's w me or checks his facebook to talk to girls. The other nite he goes "You know I like you" As if he was surprised. And then he followed it up with "ITs too bad your so old-I will probably want to get married by the time I'm 30 but you will be 42 by then" THANKS! Haha I can't win. I will continue to picture the man I love when I go to my happy place. Maybe someday when his heart has room for someone other than his dreams(which don't get me wrong i do admire) maybe he will let me in. I love u D...I just need to be stronger-Have more willpower to make my dreams come true w/o you...

Love with an O not a U

I know u don't believe and your bitter and maybe it's all in my head but I keep picturing my future with you. You coming home from a show and me working on a column or a review. We talk for hours and there is never a dull moment....u make my heart so happy. Lately when we FINALLY get off the phone when I hang up I instantly say it. U know what 'it' is, its an action right? I'm crazy about you. Love your stories. Love how gracious and polite you are. How some days you are overly confident and some days really insecure. I love how pissed off and passionate you get about little things. I love how your camera is your thing, and how the night before a shoot you are so nervous and the next day at the event you are more confident than ever! A few weeks ago I was wondering why I was so uninterested in meeting dudes here and I am pretty sure its because it feels like no one is going to come close to you. I love how we have the identical sense of humor and think of jokes at he same time. Love love love that we are both independent and like to be alone sometimes. That music means more to us than almost any thing. I love how we motivate each other. When I'm down u cheer me up and I do the same for you. What more could I ask for????? I know you love all these things I just mentioned so all I need is for you to love one more thing.....ME

Is this Aging, a Funk or Depression?

Something is happening to me, I'm not sure if it's because I moved to a place where I know no one and I think I made a bad decision but it might be. And lately it's not even loneliness, its more like self loathing. I always look tired and I feel like I have aged like 5 years in two months. My grays are coming in like crazy. I haven't gotten on the scale but I know I have gained weight by my clothes and by looking in the mirror. It seems like the main things that make me happy are restaurants, take out and shopping....oh and my chiropractor. Who, while I am there with him makes me motivated to get healthy and land a man as good as him, but as soon as I leave or soon after, I lose it again. And I have met some 'eager' guys online that for some reason i have NO DESIRE WHAT SO EVER to meet. I just feel like I am not strong enough to come acrossed as confident and no one wants to be with someone who is a downer. The heat is awful and makes me want to stay inside my air conditioned apartment almost always. I want to get a tan but its too hot to lay out. For some reason a tan always makes me feel better. And I was told about this website that is not about hook ups its to meet new people and they have all these organized events and I keep signing up to go and then when it comes time to go I dont want to put forth the effort of meeting new people-even friends! Not to mention I am a very sexual person and as lame as it sounds I think this is the 1st time ever I have lost my 'mojo.' Now its not gone completely-I definitely feel it at the chiropractors and when Derek and I talk(daily). But I am at the point where I need a kick in the ass and its not happening. I found a roach in my apartment last nite--and we are talking HUGE-like 3 in. or more and I started crying because I had to kill it myself-I wanted someone here to save me or at least freak out with me. I miss Ron a little lately, I wont call him but still I miss having someone in my life-even if its someone who makes me feel like shit a lot of the time...at least I feel something other than NUMB. I need to read the secret again...badly. Ok I am off to work--another thing i just LOVE about Texas!!

Future Me

My boyfriend and I just bought a townhouse together in Philly/New York. No more renting! Woot Woot! The band I'm managing is becoming pretty successful. We were on Conan again last nite. I think they are hoping for Letterman but I don't think our demographic watches that, but hey I will take new fans where I can get them! I'm still writing my weekly column on city life/music/culture/single life which is a big hit. I may be syndicated, which means I wont just be local but I would be in several different city publications. I'm working on my book about my life long struggle with weight and how I went from a size 20 to a size 10 and have stayed that way. Haha I know it sounds cliche but mine is gonna be a little more Rock and Roll than your average I was fat now I'm thin book! Not that I'm thin but I didn't want to say I'm fat now I'm perfect! J/K! Me and the bf are about to hit the one year mark. I can't believe I finally found him! We still laugh everyday and we push each other to achieve everything we have ever wished and hoped for. He's my sunlight, I still can't believe how lucky I got. He's teaching me to play guitar and he's so patient with me, although I think I am learning pretty fast. Mom's coming to visit next weekend and I am meeting her new man for the first time. I hope it works out, I want nothing more than for her to be happy and for her to have a man to take care of her. Oh, the BF and I are planning a vacation for our 1 yr, we are going on a cruise!! I am so excited-especially to be able to run around in shorts and a swim suit without worrying about people staring or talking shit behind my back. Well I just wanted to touch base and let everyone know how much things have changed for the better. I never knew life could be so good! I am so grateful for everything!

Maybe If

I really think your starting to see how good I am for you...
Now that I'm gone.
Now that I live 1500 miles away.
How convenient.
Maybe If we found you a job here(Which u mentioned, not me)
And maybe if you get over your bitterness
and maybe if we both really let go of the dreaded ex's
And maybe if I lose weight.

Maybe maybe maybe
All I know is you have stayed in contact with me since i left...
more than anyone else...
even my mom and the dreaded ex.
Our phone calls make my night,
our texts make my day.
Do you have any idea how much I am feeling you
or are you still completely oblivious.

Maybe if its meant to be it will be.....

Texas-The Lonely State

So I have started to wake up and the first thing that pops into my head is "I want to go home" I have to quickly push it out of my head and tell myself everythings gonna be fine. But I haven't felt the happy, the contentment, the joy I feel in Deptford. The smitten kitten feeling I felt with Derek (Mr. Fed Ex) the sheer happiness I felt doing absolutly nothing with my friends. Or even the drive home from work that made coming home, even to an empty place, feel so much more thrilling than walking 15 feet to a hotel room. I know a lot of this has to do with me being sick but sometimes it feels like I walked away from what may have been the best times in my life, for what? A promotion, a step up the corporate ladder. People change when you leave them, and people change when they leave. I feel people distancing themselves from me, or do I? The ex suggested that I am the one distancing myself and I am trying to turn it around on everyone else. I need to make sure neither of those things happen. Derek was right, I need to think of this as a 1 yr vacation. Because it really doesnt feel real. Not to mention it's making me wonder if I really want to be a GM>? Is this really my career goal? What happened to wrting? What happened to music? I need to push myself-and I need to not let go of my friends even though they are 1500 miles away. And I need them to not let go of me too. I know I can and will do this but it would help if I knew I could come back..to all the friends...to my family...to the place I belong-East Coast baby!!!!