Just heard Creep by Radiohead. This guy in my life--well sort of in my life but twice removed, who I dated briefly 6 years ago and still claims to love me, told me once that the lyrics reminded him of our relationship. At the time I was being a bitch and convinced myself there is no way he can love me, he doesn't know me(hadn't seen him for like 4 years at the time) and I thought "Great thanks for ruining a song I really like, now I will feel guilty every time I hear it" Because I know what its like to have these uncontrollable needs for one person and get nothing in return, I do feel bad that I can't feel the same way...but I digress that is not why I am writing.
I was lying in bed taking a nappy nap when the song came on. Let me describe the setting a little further. Worked 8-4 today, got about 3 hrs of sleep last nite (due to phone conversation w Mr Fed Ex) This morning I was texting back and forth briefly to Mr. Fed Ex who I think (or thought I guess) I was making great progress with. At around 11 I decided that even though I have said about 50 times that I was not gonna invite him anywhere again because it seems one sided, I of course talk myself out of that and think that I will invite him to just hang out. Have dinner, talk, maybe play some guitar hero on Wednesday of next week. So I say "Hey do you have a gig or anything on the 25th?" And he does not respond. Ok whatever, I move on and realize that their can be a logical explanation or he does not want to hang with me...whatever. So meanwhile I am evil and weak and I am leaving tonite for Baltimore to be with The Ex. Which has been planned since last weekend. Neither the Ex nor Mr Fed Ex know about each other. Meaning FedEx doesn't know I am still hanging out with, and sleeping with, my EX AND My EX knows of Mr Fed EX but has no idea I am crazy about him. I feel like a complete ass hole. And hear I lay taking a quick nap before I hit the road of shame and possibly eternal settling, Mr Fed Ex responds 7 hours later and says "Hey, no gigs on the 25th, just work at fed ex and work on my business." And yes he has told me before not to read between the lines and so have many many other reliable sources but I take from the delay and the answer that he does not want to see me. Fine no big deal. I do not respond. And still have not. Yay me.
About 20 minutes go by and Creep comes on. And I realize that I don't deserve to have Mr Fed Ex be crazy about me the way I am about him. I don't deserve it at all. I am the creep, to my Ex, to Mr Fed Ex, I can't compete with models....I can't start out a relationship still seeing my EX. I can't expect karma or fate or whatever to cut me a break because I do not deserve it. So I will swallow my pride and accept my fate. I will get in my car and accept that unless I change that this is my destiny. That I have no right to believe that I should get what I want until I am honest with everyone in my life, and until I am equal to or greater than the qualities both mentally and physically of the person I am 'feeling.' And right now I am not good enough for Mr Fed Ex. He deserves better. And now I will leave you with part of the infamous lyrics to Creep......
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here
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So a short update-Turns out we did hang out on the 25th-Had a great time but nothing really happened. We had laughs and take out and he stayed past his usual Cinderella breakout time and left at 5:30am. I noticed a pattern though, after hang out with him about 4 times now that we have an awesome time and the next few days I don't hear from him. But whats worse now are the fact that he basically cut texting off b/c he went over his bill b/c of me. So I spend most of my days checking my phone that has no texts. But the part that makes me think he is really done is I emailed him a few times, not psychotically, just things I had to tell him about upcoming shows and such and he is not responding. I know he's busy with his pictures but if he felt anywhere near the way I do he would be calling, or emmailing or saying "Fuck the bill, I want to text her" Signs that...He's just not that into me? Perhaps.
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