Everything Happens for A Reason

So I had plans tonite to have a big movie outing with some work friends and some outside of work friends and in the end everything falled through. Normally I would be annoyed or upset about cancelled plans but there were several non-scary movies that I wanted to see so I pretty much didn't give a shit about anyone else. And the movie I went to see made me realize this is how I should be living. I do not want to confirm to the jello mold of our society. I was never the little girl that dreamed of the giant wedding, the two kids, the white picket fence. All I wanted to be was a singer. Some of my best memories are going in the backyard at nite and singing while I swung on my swing set. As I got a little older my heart got lost in music. I ran through an 8 pack of batteries in a week with my Sony Walkman. I would sleep with them on...although now I realize the music could have only gone on for 30 minutes or less. Unless I was flipping cassette tapes in my sleep....hmm it's possible. The dream of singing turned into song writing when I started to hear myself sing. Not that I am bad but definitely nothing more than average. So I started to listen to my disc man(yes i moved up in the world) and write lyrics.....I was 16 and had no idea where to send my stuff or even who to share it with. I was so scared of rejection, sadly I had no faith in my talents and trashed most of them. I spent most of my 20's claiming to be a writer and barely writing. I focused all of my heart and soul on men...or boys mostly ;-) Somehow without me even noticing I put my dreams on the back burner. My true happiness became concerts. I managed to work my way slowly backstage and started to befriend musicians and started to remember my dreams. Whether it be singing, writing or even managing, it always had something to do with music. I don't even want to use the word dreams, music is in my veins, I live and breathe it. These feelings would come and go from concert to concert and a few days later I would lose focus and everything was about my crumbling relationship. I'm not blaming him because trust me we were both at fault, and now that I look back to the beginning, doomed from the start. It took me a long time to trust and believe we weren't made for each other and STICK TO IT. In fact if you ask any of my friends they probably still won't believe its really over. Almost 8 years we fought through off and on, off and on. During those 8 years the only thing I wrote about was our relationship. So back to my point. Ever since it REALLY ended I have just been trying hard to stand my ground and remember the bad stuff....you know, not falter. I've been crushing on guys and dating, sort of so my happiness, my future seemed to be depending once again on men. Then tonite I see this movie.....and I realize that for most of my life I have just been going with the flow. Even though I have always believed that whatever you dream of can be yours, you just have to be willing to put in the time and the passion. I have never REALLY tried hard to get what I want other than men. I have spent the last 2 years in a job I like but I am underpaid and undervalued. No promotion... Commuteing an hour each way, everyday....but it's my safety net. The employees have become my friends, my family....but that's not getting me anywhere! I need to decide what I want and put my heart in it....and I don't mean WHO I want, I mean WHAT I want! Do I want to manage bands? Guess what no one is going to knock on my door and offer me a job. And is South Jersey the best place for me or again am I just comfortable and CONFORMING to the low expectations of society? So this is it. I am giving myself a week to pick WHERE i want to live and WHAT I want to do and then that's it. No excuses. Not to mention my health. There is no excuse to not stick to my plan. Someone has been holding me back and that someone is none other than ME!!