My wagon and why I fall off it so much

Friday was nice. Went out with one of my girls, we had dinner and during dinner got on the topic of our sex #...noI am not sharing, and then we talked about Ex's. I hadn't talked to mine in almost 2 months. Sure there was a text here and there but no voice. I had been great, starting to date, feeling like I had finally done it. Not only that I had done it, but that I was glad I had moved on, and that for once I was sure this was it...no turning back. Ok so back to our Ex conversation. When I brought him up the same thing was said that most of my friends say "It's not that he's a bad person, he's just not right for you" I always think, is this my fault? Most people have only met him once or twice and the rest of their judgement is soley based on what I tell them about him. Not that I have ever lied but I don't think there was much talk of "Oh we were together this weekend and he made me laugh so much, and we had great sex, he paid for everything" And its not like those times don't exist. I will admit that we are either on top of the world or down in the dumps as far as our relationship goes. There wasn't a whole lot of happy medium--or was there, its just that its not as memorable as the highs and the lows? So I wake up Saturday ready for my weekend of dates. A little dreadful but excited overall. When I got out of the shower I saw my phone blinking. Picked it up and low and behold-1 missed call-the ex. No new Msg. I ponder for a few minutes, my first instinct tells me to ignore it, if it was that important he would leave a message. I walk away and start to distract myself and then that familiar voice in my head is back. "He's one of your best friends, dont you miss that? See if hes ok, see why he called" I go the safe route and text him. "I see that you called. What, no message?" A minute or two later my phone rings. I didn't hesitate as much as I should have and I answered. He said "To be honest I am working and forgot to have my phone on lock and it was in my pocket-it dialed you and my mom and a few other people, but I am glad to hear your voice again, even though I am sure you don't feel the same, but how are you>?" I told him I was good, that the eagles loss crushed me a little but I was picking myself back up. He said that almost everyday there are things he wants to call me about, he said "Your my best friend and you were for 7 or 8 years, and I think in those 8 years the longest we've gone is what, a month? you would know better than me" He said he missed me, that he's sure I'm fine bc I have always been pretty resilient and I am probably seeing someone already. I told him I had a date tonite, my first date since him. He said "Man that is hard to hear but I do just want you to be happy and apparently I am not the one for you which is unfortunate" I said "I could respond to that but we probably shouldn't get into it considering our situation" He said "No please, at this point there is no reason not to say anything we want or need to, our cards are on the table" And I said "You could be the one if you really wanted to, we both have problems but they are fixable but the problem is neither of us was ever willing to change unless the other one did which got us no where" He said "I guess your right, the last time we talked though when i told you I was gonna do you a favor you were being so cold and mean to me and it wasn't you at all, and the fact that I was making you that way made me realize you don't need me in your life, not to mention I think everything is stacked against us and everyone in your life hates me, I don't trust you anymore so we seem doomed" I told him that no one in my life hates him, there are several that think he's great but we just aren't made for each other. He said "Alright ok, It really was great to talk to you and I don't know what any of this means I wish we could be friends again but I understand if we cant but just so you know you can call me anytime you need me, even later today if you want" We laughed and I said "Thank You and I do miss your friendship too" He said "That means a lot to me cause I honestly thought you hated me, that you never wanted to speak to me again-Look I gotta go I am at my next job but I do love you and I guess I will talk to you sometime" I said "I love you too, have a good day" and we hung up. In the next few hours I ran some errands and tried to clear my mind of it all. I had left my cell phone home by accident and when I got home there were 3 texts from him talking about wanting to see me. I said sorry I have plans. He said what about Sunday-I would drive all the way there just to be with you for a day. Well I did have plans but the excitement of it all and the urgency made me say "Really-you'd drive 5 plus hours to be here one day?" He said "No strings, we can hang as friends, no pressure whatever happens happens.etc" And my wagon of hope hit some sort of rock and I landed flat on my ass along some abandoned highway. I agreed to it, not only that but I suggested he drive all nite Saturday so he would be in NJ to wake me up Sunday. And he did. We went to the restaurant we had our first official date at, Bahama Breeze, we laughed and drank and ate great food. It was just like the old days. And there it was again. My love for him. When we are together and we aren't arguing, were laughing, and he talks about how he is getting a house and his life is going well and I have these visions of me in that house, of us having bbq's and maybe even a baby. I start to reason with the things we have issues with. I start to say "Maybe we can do this!" That nite we do our traditional falling asleep early then waking up around 3am and staying up doing unmentionable things until the break of dawn. Then we sleep a few hours and I get massively attached when I wake up in the morning and he's next to me. My heart tells me 'this is what you want!' My heart also tells me I don't want to go to work and one day isn't enough and he says to me "Look this wasn't planned but do you care if i stay, I know you have to work but I just feel too tired to drive and I want more time with you" I told him he couldn't stay unless I had off work and after getting ready 4 work I convinced myself that I could get away with calling in sick. He refused to give an opinion and didn't want me to get in trouble but after I did it he was like "Yay! What are we doing today?!" I got back in bed and we watched TV among other things and we searched for places to go, got ready and went out to a new place. We stayed there for 3 hours eating and drinking and laughing. Afterwards we stopped at a liquor store and decided we would drink and watch our favorite episodes of 6 feet under. Well I guess it was Karma or something telling me that I shouldn't call out sick because I drank fast and furious and within about 30 minutes watching Six Feet Under in double vision, I was puking up whatever went down. Gotta say he took good care of me-Got me a hair tie, a garbage can, water, he kept asking if I was ok and trying to make me laugh. After about an hour out of no where I felt fine. I remember going-"What happened?" Then we went to bed and set our alarm to get up at 3am to check out this crazy show on Fox news.....then some more awesome mind blowing sex. Oops I said it was unmentionable. Oh well. So the plan was we would leave at the same time and as I am getting ready for work-and honestly feeling really exhausted and like I could puke again, he asks me if he could stay again. I don't hesitate for a second and I tell him I will try to leave early....since i did actually feel sick. During work he sent me sweet and funny texts all day and I ended up not leaving early, well 30 minutes early. When I got home he was cooking me dinner. We had another great nite. So good that it felt like 'this is how it should be with us' I kept wondering after all we have been through that maybe it would be different, we haven't lived together in almost 4 years. What would happen if we lived in the same town even? Would we drive each other crazy or would we both let go of the things that drive us crazy about each other? The next morning after I get ready for work I wake him and try to say goodbye and hes just like "Bye" and rolls over. I told him he sucked at goodbyes and he said "Oh well-I could get up but I don't wanna" So that's how this great, unexpected weekend ended. On my way to work I was so torn. What had just happened....just 4 days earlier I was over him, done. Dating new people. Then there is now. My heart and my mind are communicating with each other and reminding me that this has happened before. I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen...or am I? My thoughts are different minute to minute-This is good-NO this is bad. Just take it day by day-NO you have done that for too many years....Its stressing me out so much that I am eating bad, skipping the gym and spending time in a melancholy daze at work. Oops and suddenly theres another bump in the road...I think a wheel fell off my wagon and no one is here to help me fix it and boost me back up there. Can't I use some magic spell and make him be the way he was this weekend forever? Can't I have Mr. Fed Ex? We can help each other get over the past. It seems like nothing is ever that easy. My heart wants to be free and love who it wants to and be brave and not care it may be on its way to being shattered once again. I love him. And that love seems to be killing me. But how can anyone know better than him or I? We are the only two that have witnessed all the ups and downs and trust me, I have wronged him many times. Dating other people is so hard. The comparing, the 1st impressions, the pressure. Can't I just be with my man? Can't we both bend a little in order to make this work? Who the hell knows. Not my friends, not my mom, not him, and certainly not me.