My wagon and why I fall off it so much

Friday was nice. Went out with one of my girls, we had dinner and during dinner got on the topic of our sex #...noI am not sharing, and then we talked about Ex's. I hadn't talked to mine in almost 2 months. Sure there was a text here and there but no voice. I had been great, starting to date, feeling like I had finally done it. Not only that I had done it, but that I was glad I had moved on, and that for once I was sure this was it...no turning back. Ok so back to our Ex conversation. When I brought him up the same thing was said that most of my friends say "It's not that he's a bad person, he's just not right for you" I always think, is this my fault? Most people have only met him once or twice and the rest of their judgement is soley based on what I tell them about him. Not that I have ever lied but I don't think there was much talk of "Oh we were together this weekend and he made me laugh so much, and we had great sex, he paid for everything" And its not like those times don't exist. I will admit that we are either on top of the world or down in the dumps as far as our relationship goes. There wasn't a whole lot of happy medium--or was there, its just that its not as memorable as the highs and the lows? So I wake up Saturday ready for my weekend of dates. A little dreadful but excited overall. When I got out of the shower I saw my phone blinking. Picked it up and low and behold-1 missed call-the ex. No new Msg. I ponder for a few minutes, my first instinct tells me to ignore it, if it was that important he would leave a message. I walk away and start to distract myself and then that familiar voice in my head is back. "He's one of your best friends, dont you miss that? See if hes ok, see why he called" I go the safe route and text him. "I see that you called. What, no message?" A minute or two later my phone rings. I didn't hesitate as much as I should have and I answered. He said "To be honest I am working and forgot to have my phone on lock and it was in my pocket-it dialed you and my mom and a few other people, but I am glad to hear your voice again, even though I am sure you don't feel the same, but how are you>?" I told him I was good, that the eagles loss crushed me a little but I was picking myself back up. He said that almost everyday there are things he wants to call me about, he said "Your my best friend and you were for 7 or 8 years, and I think in those 8 years the longest we've gone is what, a month? you would know better than me" He said he missed me, that he's sure I'm fine bc I have always been pretty resilient and I am probably seeing someone already. I told him I had a date tonite, my first date since him. He said "Man that is hard to hear but I do just want you to be happy and apparently I am not the one for you which is unfortunate" I said "I could respond to that but we probably shouldn't get into it considering our situation" He said "No please, at this point there is no reason not to say anything we want or need to, our cards are on the table" And I said "You could be the one if you really wanted to, we both have problems but they are fixable but the problem is neither of us was ever willing to change unless the other one did which got us no where" He said "I guess your right, the last time we talked though when i told you I was gonna do you a favor you were being so cold and mean to me and it wasn't you at all, and the fact that I was making you that way made me realize you don't need me in your life, not to mention I think everything is stacked against us and everyone in your life hates me, I don't trust you anymore so we seem doomed" I told him that no one in my life hates him, there are several that think he's great but we just aren't made for each other. He said "Alright ok, It really was great to talk to you and I don't know what any of this means I wish we could be friends again but I understand if we cant but just so you know you can call me anytime you need me, even later today if you want" We laughed and I said "Thank You and I do miss your friendship too" He said "That means a lot to me cause I honestly thought you hated me, that you never wanted to speak to me again-Look I gotta go I am at my next job but I do love you and I guess I will talk to you sometime" I said "I love you too, have a good day" and we hung up. In the next few hours I ran some errands and tried to clear my mind of it all. I had left my cell phone home by accident and when I got home there were 3 texts from him talking about wanting to see me. I said sorry I have plans. He said what about Sunday-I would drive all the way there just to be with you for a day. Well I did have plans but the excitement of it all and the urgency made me say "Really-you'd drive 5 plus hours to be here one day?" He said "No strings, we can hang as friends, no pressure whatever happens happens.etc" And my wagon of hope hit some sort of rock and I landed flat on my ass along some abandoned highway. I agreed to it, not only that but I suggested he drive all nite Saturday so he would be in NJ to wake me up Sunday. And he did. We went to the restaurant we had our first official date at, Bahama Breeze, we laughed and drank and ate great food. It was just like the old days. And there it was again. My love for him. When we are together and we aren't arguing, were laughing, and he talks about how he is getting a house and his life is going well and I have these visions of me in that house, of us having bbq's and maybe even a baby. I start to reason with the things we have issues with. I start to say "Maybe we can do this!" That nite we do our traditional falling asleep early then waking up around 3am and staying up doing unmentionable things until the break of dawn. Then we sleep a few hours and I get massively attached when I wake up in the morning and he's next to me. My heart tells me 'this is what you want!' My heart also tells me I don't want to go to work and one day isn't enough and he says to me "Look this wasn't planned but do you care if i stay, I know you have to work but I just feel too tired to drive and I want more time with you" I told him he couldn't stay unless I had off work and after getting ready 4 work I convinced myself that I could get away with calling in sick. He refused to give an opinion and didn't want me to get in trouble but after I did it he was like "Yay! What are we doing today?!" I got back in bed and we watched TV among other things and we searched for places to go, got ready and went out to a new place. We stayed there for 3 hours eating and drinking and laughing. Afterwards we stopped at a liquor store and decided we would drink and watch our favorite episodes of 6 feet under. Well I guess it was Karma or something telling me that I shouldn't call out sick because I drank fast and furious and within about 30 minutes watching Six Feet Under in double vision, I was puking up whatever went down. Gotta say he took good care of me-Got me a hair tie, a garbage can, water, he kept asking if I was ok and trying to make me laugh. After about an hour out of no where I felt fine. I remember going-"What happened?" Then we went to bed and set our alarm to get up at 3am to check out this crazy show on Fox news.....then some more awesome mind blowing sex. Oops I said it was unmentionable. Oh well. So the plan was we would leave at the same time and as I am getting ready for work-and honestly feeling really exhausted and like I could puke again, he asks me if he could stay again. I don't hesitate for a second and I tell him I will try to leave early....since i did actually feel sick. During work he sent me sweet and funny texts all day and I ended up not leaving early, well 30 minutes early. When I got home he was cooking me dinner. We had another great nite. So good that it felt like 'this is how it should be with us' I kept wondering after all we have been through that maybe it would be different, we haven't lived together in almost 4 years. What would happen if we lived in the same town even? Would we drive each other crazy or would we both let go of the things that drive us crazy about each other? The next morning after I get ready for work I wake him and try to say goodbye and hes just like "Bye" and rolls over. I told him he sucked at goodbyes and he said "Oh well-I could get up but I don't wanna" So that's how this great, unexpected weekend ended. On my way to work I was so torn. What had just happened....just 4 days earlier I was over him, done. Dating new people. Then there is now. My heart and my mind are communicating with each other and reminding me that this has happened before. I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen...or am I? My thoughts are different minute to minute-This is good-NO this is bad. Just take it day by day-NO you have done that for too many years....Its stressing me out so much that I am eating bad, skipping the gym and spending time in a melancholy daze at work. Oops and suddenly theres another bump in the road...I think a wheel fell off my wagon and no one is here to help me fix it and boost me back up there. Can't I use some magic spell and make him be the way he was this weekend forever? Can't I have Mr. Fed Ex? We can help each other get over the past. It seems like nothing is ever that easy. My heart wants to be free and love who it wants to and be brave and not care it may be on its way to being shattered once again. I love him. And that love seems to be killing me. But how can anyone know better than him or I? We are the only two that have witnessed all the ups and downs and trust me, I have wronged him many times. Dating other people is so hard. The comparing, the 1st impressions, the pressure. Can't I just be with my man? Can't we both bend a little in order to make this work? Who the hell knows. Not my friends, not my mom, not him, and certainly not me.

Re-entering the Dating "Scene"

OK so I am semi-fresh out of an off and on again 7 yr roller coaster, I mean relationship and I finally after almost 6 months(although I relapsed twice for some 'send-off sex' and 'last goodbyes') I'm officially ready to get back out there. And to be honest the guy I am interested in the most(Mr. Fed Ex) is either oblivious or not interested in me so I am gonna try my luck with some other nice guys I met in the last few weeks. 2009 has been pretty cool so far...well except for the Eagles shattering my heart once again. Anyway So this weekend may be the weekend of movies and awkward 1st dates! Unfortunately only one of the 3 people I am going to the movies with wants to see something I want to. Tomorrow is a girls nite with Victoria and we planned on seeing The Reader but it's only playing in Voorhees which is too far for Vic so I am settling on Bride Wars....I used to LOVE romantic comedies but I think my bitterness has made me loath happy endings. I need a little depth to my movies BUT, she really wants to see it and I am sure its not that bad. Date #1 is Saturday, I met him at the Eagles Playoff party. He is 37 and has a 13 year old. I don't know a lot about him. He seems sweet and funny but to be honest I don't feel any 'sparks' as of yet. He does love the Eagles so much that he has a tattoo so that's a bonus! We can mourn together! Well he suggested "My Bloody Valentine" which is advertised as "A great date movie" Its in 3-D and its a horror/whore flick that's supposed to have some gratuitous sex scenes and lots of blood and guts. Sounds AWFUL. Sure I could speak up and say "No fucking way" but I already gave him a list of the movies I wanted to see before he mentioned that so I would have to assume he doesn't want to see any of them. He's also one of those "Whatever you want is fine" guys. I hate that..... can you please put forth a little effort?! I would rather have a guy not pay for me but have a planned date then a guy who wants you to plan everything, he will just show up and pay....the worst is if I have to plan it all AND pay! Date#2 is someone I met on *GASP* yahoo personals. He is the only one smart enough to list his phone number so I don't have to pay to join! We have talked on the phone twice, we had good conversation but he comes off a little gay. He looks cute on like 1/2 of his online pics so we shall see. Looks aren't crucial but lets be real, you have to feel something and as much as people claim "Looks don't matter" they do help with the chemistry. So lets hope that all of my plans actually happen this weekend because last weekend was a bust!! But now that Obama is prez I am sure I will feel the CHANGE and have a great weekend. Well I gotta say I am a bit of a bitch because although I am booked all weekend...I would cancel any of the 3 plans if Mr. Fed Ex last minute decides he wants to hang out.......u never know right???

I hate boys

Seriously, I wish I were like A-sexual or a lesbian sometimes. Or that I could just stop getting crushes on people, or falling in love with people who only end up breaking me or just plane end up driving me insane. Single life can be completely fabulous. It's a gift and a curse. I mean this year, well the past two months I have been meeting people left and right. I must look different or act different without the weight of a relationship gone wrong on my back, but it can also be the worst. Like tonite. I am smitten kitten for, of all people, my Fed Ex driver at work. He isn't my 'type' at all. Blonde haired, blue eyed, goofy laugh. We have great conversation and sense of humor wise we click like you wouldn't believe, which is rare for me because i have a twisted one. Ok so I invited him to an Ours show because outside of work I ran into him at an Ours show and that's when he peaked my interest, he ended up coming and my friend Vic went also and the three of us had a great time. After that nite I still have no idea if he has any sort of interest in me what so ever. He's getting out of a relationship, one of those even though it ended in August there are still connections and fights and 'should we get back togethers.' I can relate but obviously its not good timing....as usual!! But back to the point. A long time ago, in fact the nite I ran into him at the Ours show we said we should be concert buddies, so a few weeks after I let him know I was going to a show tonite and he said he was interested and to give him the dates and times and all that good stuff. Then the Ours show came and went, like I said we had a great time, we cont. to see each other at work and I was just waiting for him to invite me somewhere...which did not happen. Yesterday he came in and we talked about his Ex......he says he doesn't talk to anyone but me about her, which may be strange but its nice that he feels comfortable with me. But hes driving me insane, I know its my fault, and I am being overly emotional, like were talking 8th grade emotional!! He never seems to give me any solid answers, like tonite he seemed interested in going, and when I asked him his weekend plans yesterday he said he 'might check out Johnnie Brenda's'(where the band is playing) and I said "Ok just let me know tomorrow" So today I am excited about the show, whether he goes or not I love this band and have been waiting to see them for a while. So at 6p I text him and ask whats up 4 the night. No response. I get home and get online and see that he left me a quick message that says the show is sold out for tonite!!! I was so bummed. I guess I didn't consider that could happen because the band isn't well known. I text him at 7p and said 'Just got your message, bummer, do you know of any other live music 2nite?" No response. Meanwhile, I'm crushed, as if by him not texting me it means he thinks I'm disgusting, is avoiding me, I have no chance with him, life is over, maybe I will call my ex...... Ridiculous!!! Like what is it inside of me that makes me act so irrational? So I call another 'boy' that's interested in me and we have a nice conversation but it really doesn't go any where. I get back on the computer and see that Mr. Fed Ex is online so I message him, psychotically "Are you ignoring me? ;-P " and he signs off the computer. That's when my face started to burn from embarrassment and humiliation and girl crushiness....its a new affliction you know....so I come here to vent...and low and behold "NEW MESSAGE" is spoken to me by my sprint phone, I glance over and there is his name creeping across the barely visible display, "Hey I see Metallica is playing at Wachovia Center hahaha, sorry I fell asleep earlier" Fuck, now not only do I feel like a complete lunatic but also some sort of stalker, not to mention a douche!! I respond "Oh so you weren't avoiding me like the plague? Haha My BFF is at that show! U want 2 sneak in? Tell them were VIP?" God.... I was joking but just repeating that it sounds insane. What is my problem?? He goes "Nah, I don't feel comfortable sneaking in" Uh-oh he doesn't get the joke. I continue to be a 13 year old in desperate need to spend time with him and I respond "I'm kidding! ;-) there are some bands at North Star Bar 2nite that I checked out on myspace that seem cool. What r u doing? Do u want to chill" That was 15 minutes ago. No response. I know I have said this before but WHATS WRONG WITH ME?? Its not really the boys that suck its me!! And here I sit with phone in hand wanted to just call him and be all 'whats up if you don't want to hang with me just tell me' Which I know is the wrong thing to do!" For all I know he could have gone on North Stars website to check out the bands that are playing and hes listening to their music right now....haha wishful thinking. If I were him I would probably put down the phone and run....hahahaha I was right!!! He just text me back "They didn't look that cool but what can I tell from myspace? I think I'm gonna just stay warm and watch a movie, I'm glad this week is over and Go Eagles and Ravens" So he doesn't want to hang. That's fine. And even though it is like 2degrees outside I think that was him getting out of this gracefully. But what do I know?? I NEED TO STOP ANALYZING, texting, inviting and bugging. Just to keep anyone who may be reading this in the loop I am sure your dying to know if my response was psychotic so I will share. I said "Haha, alright. I am sure I will end up doing the same. have fun. Go BIRDS!" I thought that was low-key enough...am I right? Man I need to be less like a teenager. So we will add another goal to my plan. I vow to not text him unless he texts me this week, I vow to not invite him to anything else, it's his turn to invite me, and I promise to try to not get so crazy when there is no response to a Text or an IM.....I promise to hmmmm act my age? Nah, No who wants to do that. I promise to focus on only improving me this week....if he wants to hang out, be friends, kiss me(haha) date me.......he is going to have to make the next move.

PS-I said the same thing last week!!! At least aobut the texting and inviting. Didn't text him for 4 days, didn't hear from him and then caved on the 5th day and text msg'd him......haha...wish my 13 year old self in a 31 year old body some luck and some willpower..............I hate boys!

For My Love Of The Game

I'm not sure where this love came from and how it got so big but I have this love for the Philadelphia Eagles that cannot be altered by any means. It's been since 8th grade so were talking 18 years now, but each year it gets bigger. I am what they would call a superfan. I "Bleed Green" as they say. When it's not football season I morph into someone else, sure all the memorabilia is still up, the autographed photos and footballs, the wall hangings and yes in off season I still use my Eagles cutting board. But the passion and the fire that burns in me is doused come February, and honestly most of the time, before February but this year feels like a miracle year. On December 21st we played the Redskins and had a humiliating loss. It seemed like that was it for us. No one was saying "Oh they still have a chance!!" At that point we were 8-6-1 and in 19th place out of 32 teams. I watched that game at work and had trouble pulling myself together...that’s right I said it, I cry over football. The eagles team literally feels like a group of my closest friends. Year after year they have the ability to take me to my highest level of happiness and euphoria and they do, but they also break me. Most people in my life think I must have some mental problem that causes me to be so attached to a team but Philly fans understand. We are known to be the craziest, rudest, most passionate fans in the league and although I probably wouldn't throw a snowball at Santa(unless of course he was wearing a Dallas Jersey) you can include me with the rest of the uncontrollable fans. Ok back to our 'Miracle' season. We are 8-6-1 and the day after Christmas I get a text from the Eagles Fan Zone that says "In order to achieve wildcard status the Oakland Raiders, who were 4-11 at the time, had to beat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who were 9-6, AND either the Giants had the beat the Vikings or The Texans had to beat The Bears AND we had to beat the Cowboys who only needed to beat us and they were in the playoffs. That Sunday the 28th, magic was in the air. Our game was the 4pm game and the other 3 games that determined our chances all played at 1pm. I was home for Christmas still and although the Giants/Vikings game was televised the other two were not. My mom doesn't have internet access so we spent our morning watching the updates on the corner of the screen to find out if dreams can come true. Little by little as fate would have it everything seemed to fall into place. The Oakland/Buc's game was a tight game and they were tied 14-14 in the 3rd quarter...for what seemed like an eternity. But in the 4th quarter the Buc’s scored first and it was 21-14, then every time that score would pop up it seemed like someone had added points. In the 4th qtr the Raiders scored 17 pts, the Buc’s 10, the Raiders won in the last few seconds of the game! What a great feeling. And to add to that guess what, it couldn't be more perfect because as a diehard fan it's hard for you to pull for someone within your conference so as fate would once again have it the Giants lost BUT The Texans won!! Both of the wins that gave us a second chance ending score was 31-24. Maybe that will be our ending score in the Super Bowl? ;-) Oh but wait, we still had to beat our arch nemesis the Dallas Cowgirls, a very tough team. It was a home game and earlier in the season when we played them it was a battle and the ended up on top, 41-37. That game was crushing and we really had something to prove on 12/28/08. And prove it we did. This game may have been the most beautiful game I have ever seen. I don't know if it was because at the last minute we were reborn playoff wise, or if it was the hate for the cowboys, or if it was some Christmas miracle but it was the game of a lifetime. We started out 3-3 our defenses' both seemed strong and then it happened. Donovan scored on a sneak to put us up 10-3 in the 2nd quarter. In the final 2 minutes of the second qtr we scored 17 pts, one was a 4 yard pass to Buck, then Sheldon Brown intercepted one of Romo’s under thrown passes which eventually led to a TD by Celek. It was 27-3 at the half and we were playing like we hadn't played since the last Cowboys match up. We were on fire! At one point Donovan ran toward the Eagles' sideline and suddenly stopped. He turned around toward the Cowboys bench and flexed, and pointed to his name on the back of his jersey! In the second half another magical moment...Dawkins sacks Romo and Clemons picks up the fumble and runs 73 yards for a TD that gave us a 34-3 lead!! Just minutes later Hanson returned another fumble by Marion Barber 96 yards for yet another TD!!! The final score was 44-6 EAGLES. Lots of happy tears and moments of pure joy were had that day. I just need to ad that the Cowboys not only lost its regular-season finale for the ninth straight season in a row BUT the 38-point loss was the Cowboys' largest margin of defeat since 1988!!! So here we were, in the playoffs. It truly felt like a miracle. Like the Red sea parted for us! Round one, Wildcard weekend we played the Vikings. To be honest we did not play very well but we pulled off a win with two game changing plays. Asante Samuel had 44-yard interception return in the second quarter which got us a TD and we finished the half 16-14 Eagles. Then in the 4th Westbrook caught a short pass and managed to zigzag through the Minnesota defense for a 71-yard TD. So we made it past Wildcard weekend and then the past week I had to live through hundreds of people saying there was no way we would beat the Giants. "They might as well not even show up to Giants Stadium. Well my 'friends' it's a good thing we did. Although the Giants had a bi-week, it was another road game, the Giants were 12-4 regular season and last years Super Bowl champs we went there and took them out of contention!! It was a tight game the 1st 3 qtrs we went in at the half 10-8. The Giants had two Field Goals and a Safety which was a bad call. We had a Quarterback Sneak TD and an Akers kick. We stopped the Giants on two 4th and inches plays they decided to go for and they were 2-10 and 3rd downs. Their kicker missed 2 field goals in the game and Asante Samuel and Quintin Mikell both had interception that led to points. The Giants scored zero TD's and the final score was 23-11!!! And that’s were I end this blog. But I am here to say we are one game away from the Super Bowl and I couldn't be happier. This year may be the end of an era with rumors of Andy, Donovan and Dawkins among others leaving, maybe this is the year we get our ring and prove to all the Philly naysayer’s that this is the greatest team in Philadelphia Eagles history. The last 10 years this team has found a home in my heart, I will back it till the day I die and I would give my left arm to see them go all the way. And even though I have always thought getting a team or a band tattooed seems kind of lame I have vowed if we make it to this Super Bowl and we win I will be the new proud owner of some Eagles INK! FLY EAGLES FLY!

Plans

Just a quickie...well that would be nice, and of course would be attainable if I wasn't being so picky lately but that's not even what I was talking about. So today at work with my new found view on life I was job searching. I have decided to apply to hotel jobs in Baltimore, NYC, Philly and some random place that has a big city. THEN I will look for jobs in the music industry even though 90% of them are for unpaid interns and I will apply to four of those. Pretty exciting stuff!

As far as the rest of my life I am gonna try my hardest to just let things happen. There are some definite prospects but that could only be from my point of view! I have a date with one of them Monday but as much as I would like to be this 'free spirited' my mind is focusing on just one....well one and an 8 yr old relationship who's fragments of memories pop up every once in a very weak moment(THE EX)But it's not that I miss him. I have moments of 'what might have been' RIGHT....what might have been if we were both different people! Haha. So I'm going through that annoying teenage girl, smitten kitten phase and I hate it! I need to be more patient and see if he asks ME to do something! 31 undone has never been more true....and when i put myself in his shoes it seems pretty obvious that I am into him and I still can't tell if he has even a shred of interest. BTW this is not a self esteem issue, its a he's hard to read issue.

OK SEE-Getting consumed already---BACK TO THE PLANS 4 my new life, new job, new home!!!

Everything Happens for A Reason

So I had plans tonite to have a big movie outing with some work friends and some outside of work friends and in the end everything falled through. Normally I would be annoyed or upset about cancelled plans but there were several non-scary movies that I wanted to see so I pretty much didn't give a shit about anyone else. And the movie I went to see made me realize this is how I should be living. I do not want to confirm to the jello mold of our society. I was never the little girl that dreamed of the giant wedding, the two kids, the white picket fence. All I wanted to be was a singer. Some of my best memories are going in the backyard at nite and singing while I swung on my swing set. As I got a little older my heart got lost in music. I ran through an 8 pack of batteries in a week with my Sony Walkman. I would sleep with them on...although now I realize the music could have only gone on for 30 minutes or less. Unless I was flipping cassette tapes in my sleep....hmm it's possible. The dream of singing turned into song writing when I started to hear myself sing. Not that I am bad but definitely nothing more than average. So I started to listen to my disc man(yes i moved up in the world) and write lyrics.....I was 16 and had no idea where to send my stuff or even who to share it with. I was so scared of rejection, sadly I had no faith in my talents and trashed most of them. I spent most of my 20's claiming to be a writer and barely writing. I focused all of my heart and soul on men...or boys mostly ;-) Somehow without me even noticing I put my dreams on the back burner. My true happiness became concerts. I managed to work my way slowly backstage and started to befriend musicians and started to remember my dreams. Whether it be singing, writing or even managing, it always had something to do with music. I don't even want to use the word dreams, music is in my veins, I live and breathe it. These feelings would come and go from concert to concert and a few days later I would lose focus and everything was about my crumbling relationship. I'm not blaming him because trust me we were both at fault, and now that I look back to the beginning, doomed from the start. It took me a long time to trust and believe we weren't made for each other and STICK TO IT. In fact if you ask any of my friends they probably still won't believe its really over. Almost 8 years we fought through off and on, off and on. During those 8 years the only thing I wrote about was our relationship. So back to my point. Ever since it REALLY ended I have just been trying hard to stand my ground and remember the bad stuff....you know, not falter. I've been crushing on guys and dating, sort of so my happiness, my future seemed to be depending once again on men. Then tonite I see this movie.....and I realize that for most of my life I have just been going with the flow. Even though I have always believed that whatever you dream of can be yours, you just have to be willing to put in the time and the passion. I have never REALLY tried hard to get what I want other than men. I have spent the last 2 years in a job I like but I am underpaid and undervalued. No promotion... Commuteing an hour each way, everyday....but it's my safety net. The employees have become my friends, my family....but that's not getting me anywhere! I need to decide what I want and put my heart in it....and I don't mean WHO I want, I mean WHAT I want! Do I want to manage bands? Guess what no one is going to knock on my door and offer me a job. And is South Jersey the best place for me or again am I just comfortable and CONFORMING to the low expectations of society? So this is it. I am giving myself a week to pick WHERE i want to live and WHAT I want to do and then that's it. No excuses. Not to mention my health. There is no excuse to not stick to my plan. Someone has been holding me back and that someone is none other than ME!!