Is this Aging, a Funk or Depression?

Something is happening to me, I'm not sure if it's because I moved to a place where I know no one and I think I made a bad decision but it might be. And lately it's not even loneliness, its more like self loathing. I always look tired and I feel like I have aged like 5 years in two months. My grays are coming in like crazy. I haven't gotten on the scale but I know I have gained weight by my clothes and by looking in the mirror. It seems like the main things that make me happy are restaurants, take out and shopping....oh and my chiropractor. Who, while I am there with him makes me motivated to get healthy and land a man as good as him, but as soon as I leave or soon after, I lose it again. And I have met some 'eager' guys online that for some reason i have NO DESIRE WHAT SO EVER to meet. I just feel like I am not strong enough to come acrossed as confident and no one wants to be with someone who is a downer. The heat is awful and makes me want to stay inside my air conditioned apartment almost always. I want to get a tan but its too hot to lay out. For some reason a tan always makes me feel better. And I was told about this website that is not about hook ups its to meet new people and they have all these organized events and I keep signing up to go and then when it comes time to go I dont want to put forth the effort of meeting new people-even friends! Not to mention I am a very sexual person and as lame as it sounds I think this is the 1st time ever I have lost my 'mojo.' Now its not gone completely-I definitely feel it at the chiropractors and when Derek and I talk(daily). But I am at the point where I need a kick in the ass and its not happening. I found a roach in my apartment last nite--and we are talking HUGE-like 3 in. or more and I started crying because I had to kill it myself-I wanted someone here to save me or at least freak out with me. I miss Ron a little lately, I wont call him but still I miss having someone in my life-even if its someone who makes me feel like shit a lot of the time...at least I feel something other than NUMB. I need to read the secret again...badly. Ok I am off to work--another thing i just LOVE about Texas!!

Future Me

My boyfriend and I just bought a townhouse together in Philly/New York. No more renting! Woot Woot! The band I'm managing is becoming pretty successful. We were on Conan again last nite. I think they are hoping for Letterman but I don't think our demographic watches that, but hey I will take new fans where I can get them! I'm still writing my weekly column on city life/music/culture/single life which is a big hit. I may be syndicated, which means I wont just be local but I would be in several different city publications. I'm working on my book about my life long struggle with weight and how I went from a size 20 to a size 10 and have stayed that way. Haha I know it sounds cliche but mine is gonna be a little more Rock and Roll than your average I was fat now I'm thin book! Not that I'm thin but I didn't want to say I'm fat now I'm perfect! J/K! Me and the bf are about to hit the one year mark. I can't believe I finally found him! We still laugh everyday and we push each other to achieve everything we have ever wished and hoped for. He's my sunlight, I still can't believe how lucky I got. He's teaching me to play guitar and he's so patient with me, although I think I am learning pretty fast. Mom's coming to visit next weekend and I am meeting her new man for the first time. I hope it works out, I want nothing more than for her to be happy and for her to have a man to take care of her. Oh, the BF and I are planning a vacation for our 1 yr, we are going on a cruise!! I am so excited-especially to be able to run around in shorts and a swim suit without worrying about people staring or talking shit behind my back. Well I just wanted to touch base and let everyone know how much things have changed for the better. I never knew life could be so good! I am so grateful for everything!