The Lucky One

Today was a roller coaster day. The highs were extremely high and the lows...well they were below sea level. So in one of my most recent posts I mentioned that I have three men in my life that I would be very grateful to be with. And as much as I love the EX as a person I am shameful that I included him as part of the three. If it hasn't worked in nearly 8 years its not fucking going to!! I've accepted that. Then there are the remaining two. Each of them was responsible for my roller coaster day. Mr FedEx practically drowned me today. He said something hurtful and I responded and one tiny thing turned into buttons being pushed so fierce, like a buzzer on a game show that is keeping you from 100 grand. He made me feel used, suggested I wasn't capable of making my dreams come true. The hardest part about this is he usually does just the opposite. He inspires me and pushes me...but not today.

Luckily Scott ended my day for me. He didn't even know I had had a crap day, he was being genuine and open and he made me feel adored. He told me that by reading my mini novel about my weekend with the band (I will post it after this) he realized how close he felt to me because he felt happy when he could feel how happy I was. He said he realized how lucky he is to have me in his life and that I lift him up with my humor, whether it be self deprecating or not and that I effect him.....It feels good to hear that. I cant' remember the last time someone has complimented me in such a meaningful way. As much as i feel love for Derek I think I would always come second to his passion, his photography. Scott has always been that guy that I wanted to love but I wouldn't allow myself. I knew from the very beginning I wasn't who he was looking for so what was the point of setting myself up for that heartache...it goes without saying that I still allowed myself to be crazy about him, just not fall in love. BUT a lot has changed from the beginning. No more Ron...trying to get healthy..going after my dreams...making more money...furthering my career...becoming more confident....maybe our timing was off. I just can't wait to see what the future brings!

My heart is split in 3

If the ruler of fate and destiny came to me and said "You have already met the man you will spend the rest of your life with" I would be ok with that. In fact I think it would be a huge weight lifted A) Because I would know there is SOMEONE I am going to be with and not just me and my kitty cat...I am refering to an actual cat...not my...anyways. B) because there are 3 men in my life that I love, 3 men that I would graciously spend the rest of my life with.

And the candidates are? Well there is the ever present, why don't you go away for good EX. As of now I would have to say NOT 'the one' BUT, if a bunch of things changed and our stars aligned once again I can see it working in the future...To be honest even though we have had love before he is probably more of a stretch than the other two loves in my life.

Number two would be my sensitive, musically skilled, vegetarian-vampire dream man Scott. He has been one of my best friends the past few years. He is incredible. Successful, funny, emotional and gorgeous to boot. The day he got into the backseat of Kristi's car changed my life forever. Man I would be lucky to land him. Anyone would.

Oh and of course the 3rd and final piece of my heart is the infamous pro photog with dreamy eyes, Derek. Now although he doesnt see it, and to be fair none of the three do, I have this vision of this dude in my future. Like its destined to happen. Where do I start? You've heard it all before...he really is a day brightener, he cheers me up when I'm down, he gives me hope in my dreams and I do the same for him. His passion and love for his photography is so refreshing, so sexy. Not to mention we have pretty much the identical sick twisted sense of humor. We laugh and laugh over stuff that most of the human race just wouldn't get.

And of course each of these three potential future loves of my life have flaws, some more than others, but so do I. I am very fortunate to have them in my life, they all have a piece of my heart and I don't want that to change until I find someone who is ready to give their whole heart to me...and only then...will I do the same.

How can we know for sure?

When you let love go......because the two of you just can't seem to get it right. When you fight and fight and they make you feel awful and you think "Why do I stay in this relationship!!"...BUT...when its time, how do you know for sure your doing the right thing. Other people can convince me all day long. "You don't need him" "You deserve better" "You guys are both great people but your just not made for each other" But they aren't there in your most intimate amazing times with said person AND they aren't there when your at your lowest low, in your darkest hour so how do they know whats right? One of my friends said to me tonite "Unless both people are willing to give 100% to that relationship it won't work and it wasn't meant to be" If this is true then nothing I have ever done, no one I have ever loved was anything real. He played a song for me called Brown Eyed Blues(not FOR me but just so I could here it) The lyrics go:
"She’s got those eyes, those eyes
That’ll see right through you
When she leaves that night
I wanna leave, with her too
And she’s on my mind
And I go all the time
When we touch I go weak
And I can hardly speak
And I hope that she thinks about me
Cos I’m always thinking of her

I just wanna hold her hand, be her man
I wanna know if she’d take a chance
Cos I still have not revealed it
Cos I still get the feelin
That lovin her is a game I’ll always lose
I got the brown eyed blues"

And it hits me that it is possible for a man to feel this crazy about a woman but I have never been that women. No one has ever felt these things for me. Should I be hoping for this or is the real world what I experienced for the last 8 years, is that the strongest love I will find? Did I make a mistake. Should I try to get him back>? Or does the love in song lyrics romance novels and on cool summer nites even exist.....Of course it does but does it exist for me?

Stronger

I want to be this person that some days I still doubt. I mostly doubt that I can be that person on days we don't talk. I hate that I am that way. I should be able to push myself to believe in myself without someone I love telling me I can do it. Again I love someone who doesn't love me back, not more than friends at least. When will this stop? I think of u so much. Today I said "I miss ya" and you didn't acknowledge it. I'm such a fucking dumb ass for doing this again. They say you don't chose who you love--is this true because if its not my choice why does the universe keep sending me amazing guys I can't have. They say its because subconciously thats what I want, thats all I think I deserve but thats complete bull shit. I believe I deserve for him to love me back, the same way I thought I deserved to have a boyfriend that wanted me, to fuck me, to kiss me, to touch my skin. I DESERVE all of that. I'm so angry that it seems like everyone finds love except me. I fall in love and thats where it stops. I'm even trying to be independent and have a meaningless relationship just for the sex and some companionship but there is a fine fine line. First of all even though the sex is good its empty. And in my heart it feels like I am cheating...just because I love someone else! And I am in no way interested in dating this kid(and my kid I mean KID he is 12 years younger-oops) but its still kind of annoying that he texts while he's w me or checks his facebook to talk to girls. The other nite he goes "You know I like you" As if he was surprised. And then he followed it up with "ITs too bad your so old-I will probably want to get married by the time I'm 30 but you will be 42 by then" THANKS! Haha I can't win. I will continue to picture the man I love when I go to my happy place. Maybe someday when his heart has room for someone other than his dreams(which don't get me wrong i do admire) maybe he will let me in. I love u D...I just need to be stronger-Have more willpower to make my dreams come true w/o you...