One wasted year

Wow-I spent the last year falling in love. I thought he was the one. He was someone who I could feel becoming one of my best friends. Who knew that it could all end over a stupid argument. Who knew it would end with hate and with him saying "Leave me alone." He didn't care that his heartless words were stabbing pretty deep. How can u go from saying luv ya all the time to a slight falling out bc I asked him if he was seeing someone, which he never answered, to a small rebuild to where, after starting to let go and dating guys and realizing how i should be treated, he starts to annoy me and I start to think..."Were all of our conversations as one sided as this one?" He wasn't listening and he just kept talking and talking and talking...about himself. Thats all too familiar to me. No he wasn't always that way. We used to talk for hours and hours-He used to make me believe in myself-in my dreams. But that turned into him always accusing me of not working hard enough on my dreams because I watched TV sometimes and because I started dating.....which made me feel like a failure and a loser. Fuck that. I would rather be single forever than to have anyone treat me the way he did tonite-like I was meaningless to him. If he gave up on me thats his own stupid fault. Man I wish he was gay like all my friends who met him said he seemed. He isn't though. He just has high expectations. He expects to find someone like Norah Jones but guess what-I want my John Krazinski too---obviously not those two celebrities themselves but someone of that calibur. And fuck anyone who thinks that I don't deserve it. I'm not sure why it had to end like this. It seems like a lot of things are ending here in the end of 2009. And u know what, thats fine. I'm not gonna sit around and cry. If Texas has made me anything its made me stronger. What good would it do to stay in bed crying the next few days. I will put it down on paper--or computer screen, I will accept that it wasn't meant to be and I will move on-start new. So Derek if you seriously meant the things you said tonite, after all the shows I got you, all the days I pulled your pissy ass mood out of the gutter, all the laughs and jokes and jimps we shared....then FUCK YOU! I will prove to you that what you said is true, I don't need you to make my dreams come true. I can interview Dave Navarro without you as photographer...

Dearly Beloved>>>

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life it means forever and thats a long time, but I'm here to tell you, theres something else. The afterworld. A world of neverending happiness....you can always see the sun...day or nite.....So when you call up that shirink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything will be alright? Instead of asking him how much of your times left, ask him how much of your mind baby. Cuz in this life, things are MUCH harder than the after life..In this life YOUR ON YOUR OWN!! So if the elevator tries to bring you down...go crazy!!!

The elevator tried like crazy to bring me down today---and I feel like I did go crazy--but not in the way prince would have wanted me too. Why does it all come back to this. Me loving someone who doesnt love me. And once I know they dont I dont care-I dont give a fuck- I keep on loving. I want it to work more and more and more. I dream about it, I visualize it. We have a couple of days or weeks were things seem to be going up and up and then someone snaps that cable and I come spiraling down. The tiniest thing set me off. Fucking twitter and facebook and myspace and all that crap its poison. You know who everyone is talking too. The last two days it was like he dropped off the planet. Even when I tried to initiate conversations he was disintrested, distracted. So I see some fucking tweets back and forth with some unknown person. And for all I know it could be a guy but it doesnt seem like it and one of there messages is "keep talking to the people about the 11th we need to rock out together" And for all I know it could be his friend Mark but it hit me like a punch in the face. The fact that he will or could be already into someone is inevetible-It's gonna happen and its gonna fucking burn. I'm so mad at myself for not putting my guard up. For letting myself fall in love with him. I haven't cried for quite awhile with out the Ex factor. Fuck i forgot how bad it hurts to love like this. How do I walk away? I don want to? Everything in my being says I need him. I am so miserable without his laugh in my life. Without his drive to get exactly what he wants. His honesty. His heart. Fuck how did it get this deep in just a year? Damn it Derek why can't I just be the exeption...just this once!!

U Love Me 2day

Oh today was a good day with you. Yes a week ago we were in the same city, and now we are 24 hrs away from each other but tonite was golden. I thought nights like this were gone forever. I thought I had lost you. It seems like ages since we laughed and talked for hours on the phone. With a sweet mix of light underlying flirtatiousness and happiness oozing from each cell phone across 7 states. Why was I so giggly? Because I felt hope again. Maybe its minuscule shreds of hope but it still lives and breathes in the depths of my damaged heart. And for the first time in months came the rebirth of that image. The one that got me through day to day. The one of me coming home to you in a mid-town Philadelphia apartment. The one where I am doing a piece on our good friend Dave Navarro for a publication and you are shooting the images for my piece. The one where I come home and your upstairs in your studio and we greet each other with a kiss and a smile. The one where as we get ready to meet up with Dave we end up giggling and joking around and diving into bed. You remind me not to wear heels because Dave is still a little self conscious about his height. The dream of all dreams. I don't need money. I don't need a fancy car. I do need our dreams to come true career wise and I do need a love thats my best friend. That gets me, as twisted as I may be. Sure it might be far fetched but its not dead and gone. I love u D.

Miss Us

I know-you think there isn't an 'us'. I haven't talked to you in over a week and a piece of me is definitely missing. I feel like your completely ignoring me.?? In one week i have sent a text, an email and a facebook msg and got zero response. Sure you WERE on vacation but now your not. Maybe you met someone? Good for you-but if we are nothing anyway-if we are just friends or if I am your manager then why won't you respond? I may have even landed you an incredible gig and NOTHING. Is it because I am coming home in a few days? Do you hate seeing me that much? Then tell me! Tell me you cant pick me up from the airport-I will get a car or you know I have other friends, I just thought it would be nice to be with you! This shit is killing me. To the point where last nite I had this vivid dream in which you decide you are in love with my mom, and guess what, she's in love with you too! Mid-dream it switches from my mom to one of my best friends. The worst part isn't that you chose them over me its that you don't care at all and we are no longer friends. So I am not sure what I did, if anything but this sucks. As pathetic and lonely as it may sound I do love you Derek. I wish I didn't. I'm so fucking tired of loving men who don't love me. I thought I would grow on you but if you can just stop talking to me like this so easily then obviously I haven't. You just can't get past the fat right? Just like Scott. Well I am working on it, I really am. I wish it could happen over nite, and even more I wish I spent my life thin but we both know that I would have been married years ago if I had so I probably wouldn't even know you right now. It's like there is no middle-either I choose Ron and he accepts me for who I am and I gradually lose the weight while I have a man or I work my ass off and stay single and only when I am say 70 pounds lighter, THEN I may have a chance at a guy I love if they havent all already found some model/musician/lawyer/actress. Oh or I could say fuck you to everyone and be a bitter, single, fat girl with a cat. NOPE thats not an option. Well time to do some positive thinking on my own since it feels as though I've lost you. Thanks for the memories.

My weekend w/ "The Band"

How did I get so lucky...its crazy if you follow it backwards and its all because of Charlene and Vic. It started at Delaware State Fair, I had talked to Char a few times online and normally after a Live show I would just leave but I wanted to meet her...so I went off to the side of the stage and we met and I met Char Vic and Jen...then out comes Adam and he brings Jimmy. It doesn't stop there. I move to Jersey and Char is my only friend other than Kristi near by and she invites me to Khybar to see Jimmy, and I meet Mary Anne (I am sure I met her at a live show but I cant remember, and then Mary Anne recommends me to help them with rooms.....and here I am tonite.....

The show was great. QUICK but great. The fans liked them. They weren’t like crazy into it but Jimmy worked the crowd and it worked. the first surprise was as they come out April is with them...she plays keyboards-Loche is strictly guitar. You guys-they rocked out big time.!!!They were all energetic-even Race. The vibe was great, Jimmy seemed happy and so did everyone else. They still have James from Plane Jane and automobiles as their drummer. It works. They opened with Willing. next they went to a new song which I forgot to ask the name of it but he announced that he wrote it for Michael Jackson. I would guess its called "Sing to Me" Very upbeat feel to this-but not in an annoyingly happy way. Good stuff. If they do it again tomorrow I will record-I didn’t want to record it tonite bc I had JUST recorded willing and the people in front of me were cocking their heads so they wouldn’t be in my way. After that he said to the crowd that he noticed Blue October fans like to sing so he would gladly help them warm up and would love for them to join in and sang Bohemian Rhapsody Intro...into Murder. After Murder was LIVE AGAIN and he thanked the crowd after that and closed with Fallen Souls. As I was walking out of the crowd a dude saw my shirt(wore the OURS shirt Jimmy gave me) and maybe saw that I was dancing to them and was the only one really in my area and he stopped me and goes-"Hey they were really fucking good do they have a cd?" So I had to school him and a few people around him seemed interested. Earlier in the day April had texted me and told me to meet her at the merch table after the set. I took my time a little bc I knew she would be selling and talking to other people-After about 20 minutes I went out and Jimmy’s sister(the one that looks kind of white trashy and has a loud mouth-one of the ones who danced on the stage in NYC-but not the really pretty one) I waited a little and she saw me and motioned me over. We talked for about 20 min. I asked about Europe and talked about Texas. I told her about starting to try to be a band manager and told her I was trying to book for Caitlin and Blue Hippo. She said if there is anything they can do to help me get into the business they would. We talked about how Caitlin was w/ Race for like 5 years and 8 months after they broke up she got married-April said "I have no idea how that happens-maybe bc it still hasn’t happen to me" I go "what you cant find love on the road?" and she laughed and goes "Hell no" That made me happy. I am starting to like her(NOTE: that doesn’t mean I think her football song is good!!) but I don’t want her and Jimmy to be all in love-haha! So I think I misread it last year. At some point this asshole comes up and is like "Dude where’s the band" she was like "I don’t know I cant keep track of all of them" and he was all "R they coming out what’s going on>" If I were her I would have been like "I guess you will have to see" but she went and got them. While she went up I watched the Merch stand and this asshole redskins fan talked my ear off And then the guy I had talked to inside came to buy CD's..April came back right in time I was trying to figure out where they kept the cds! So the guys were with her-all of them-and weird enough Race came right up to me(I am pretty sure I have never talked to him before-just hi and maybe bye Haha) He goes "Where did you get that shirt? He was all shocked and I said "Jimmy gave it to me" he goes "Wow he gave you his-we made them in I think 92 and we made about 20-10 just had ours across the front and 10 were like yours---we each got one, and we mostly just gave them to family and friends who have since lost them-mine had just OURS across the front and some one broke into my car and stole everything including the shirt so I was always waiting to see someone with it on so I could know who robbed me" He was very sweet and fun to talk to. I decided I would risk it and tell him I was trying to manage blue hippo-he opened up and talked to me about Caitlin and his relationship and that she left him suddenly and that after she did he was miserable, crushed, confused, didn’t want to talk to anyone etc. I told him I was sorry I brought it up and he said "No no you made me realize I’m ok, I can actually talk about it now w/o it burning a hole through me." While we were talking jimmy was behind me and at one point he grabbed my arm and I turned around and he said to the people he was talking to "Hold on you guys have to see this" and he tugs on me again and hugs the crap out of me and like 6 people are just starring-then he turns me towards them and says "Check out this shirt-talk about vintage" he told them that it was the 1st shirt they ever made and him and Race put there money together to get them and that there was only one left that he hung on to for years knowing that he would find someone to give it to that would appreciate the history behind it and truly deserve it and then nods his head toward me and grabs my hand. :-) Race manages to pull me back to him and he tells me after the tour he’s moving to San Fran and we start to talk about living far away from everyone we know and love. Then we got on the subject of bands and concerts that are amazing live. He told me he has seen U2 live 12 times and I told him I always talk myself out of spending that much on a ticket. He insisted I put away money now and get them on eBay or stub hub the nite before. He asked when the Dallas one was and I told him oct which lead to him saying he’s going sept. 25th and maybe the 24th at Giants stadium and I was like "Oh that’s cool that’s when I will be back in jersey". At which point he said "u should go with us-let me give you my number-call me if you want to go" Hahahaha so cool I have Races #! So when Race and I are done I look around and Jimmy is gone. I was bummed but knew I still had tomorrow. I went over to say bye to April and she gave me my hoodie w Tela on the front of it and I said "I am paying for this!" and Static was there and was like "No your not-in fact you should take one of everything-have you seen the shirt with Jimmy’s face on it-this is hot right now" I told him he should run merch and April said "He was a sales mgr before all this so he is really good with it" He ended up handing me a shirt with Jimmy on it and race came over and goes "Static do you know who this is, this is Heather and we get to shower because of her" Hahaha...so those two disappear and April goes "Did you even get to talk to Jimmy" I said "Not really but no biggie maybe I will get a chance tomorrow" She goes "Well I have to go to the dressing room anyway you might as well come up" We go up and up and up and at this point I am sweating-Just like the Philly show-We get there and Loche is on one of the two couches sleepin, and Jimmy is on his cell phone along with his sister. I walk in and Jimmy says "Hey Heather-we are trying to do a shot with everyone back home, you want one?" And YES I am on my 21day cleanse to get RID of toxins but its Jimmy Fucking Gnecco offering me a shot-I can't say no right? Haha so I get my shot of Makers Mark and they try to get their family to focus and everyone in NJ has their shot-I thought about calling u Char but didn’t want to wake up Sie! At first I am feeling totally uncomfortable-his sister is rambling on and on and on about how she has a beard and she is making everyone touch her face and asking if she should wax it or try to get it lasered off! She’s all "Jimmy is my brother he will tell me the truth" Jimmy said "Look if it bothers you then take care of it, Its just maintenance we all have to do it" she stood under a spot light and she’s like "I am just asking the guys, is it visible while I am in the light" they were both like "Yes" hahaha it was just like blond peach fuzz! Somewhere in this convo Race walks in and is all like "Hey were doing shots?-Heather has to do one" and Jimmy goes "She already did" Race says "I'm not doing one without her and Jimmy looks at me and I say "Ok why not" Race, Me and the random dude that was with his sister did a shot(Jimmy didn't do another one) At this point Blue October went on. We were in a room above the stage with windows in it! Jimmy said "You want to see the show" and we walk over to the window...while we are over there everyone but Loche still sleeping leaves the room........I am going to part 2 now--JUST because you guys need a breather and I don't know if the email can run out of space!! hahahaha And Part 2 just feels like it needs to be separated!!!!

OK here goes-are you ready? The first thing we talked about was blue October. He said that the lead singer is a BIG Ours fan and just praises them every nite and he invites him on stage some nights which is some of the best publicity you can get to have a band where they have 2000 fans really into them say "Hey this dude is amazing you should check them out" really really helps them. He then points out that one of the guys has a tattoo of a dragon on top of his head he was like "Now that's dedication" I told him I really want more ink but I want to make sure it really has meaning. He said "Yeah I really wish I had thought that way-a lot of this, the black flames are just covering tattoos I regret ed, ones I didn't think through" I told him I loved the microphone tattoo and he (in a disappointed way) goes 'yeah that one means a lot but everyone is getting it now, a lot of Ours fans are getting it.' I foolishly then said "Yeah I would really like to get something that represents Ours but I don't want to be generic and just get the O or Tela-I told him I thought about a small red colored star in the palm of my hand" and he just kinda smiled and nodded but it seemed like he was just being polite! Haha which is fine.

I then said "Maybe I shouldn't bring this up but how is your mom" He smiled and said "Of course you can bring it up, I mean I had a benefit for her and you were there, don't feel bad about bringing up anything" He said "She’s a little trooper, about a month or two ago doctors were saying it would be a few days and she told them no she wasn't ready. She has a very strong will and is a very positive, stubborn at times, woman. So we know its coming, there is no way to turn back, no chance of recovery so its kind of just a waiting game at this point which sucks but she is still all there mentally so that's good" I then told him about my dad and how the hardest part was in the end when his mind went and he wasn't him anymore and how I remember those parts so clearly but so much of it is a blur" He said "losing people we love is so hard, as you know I'm sure I have lost a lot of people I loved, but what can we do other than remember them and keep there memories alive"

Oh and to set up a visual at this point I am sitting on the couch sideways and he is sitting on the arm of the couch(love seat) and leaning on the back-Then he lies on his side across the back of the couch and I sit Indian style and he asks me "So girly how is Texas treating you" I kinda laughed. I told him "to start I believe that everything happens for a reason but there are some days I still have my doubts about Texas" He laughed and said "Is it the people or the area" I said "Oh its the people, their mentality is incredible one sided, racist, republican, redneck, they talk about their guns and their cowboys and most of them have that phoniness about them like "Hey welcome to Texas your gonna love it everyone is so nice" but it seems in-genuine" He said "Yeah I know exactly what you mean-esp. when he was in office you would cross that state line and immediately feel something wrong" He said part of his family lives here and he remembers visiting when he was like 7 or 8 and being forced to watch them kill a chicken or a turkey and cook it for dinner, he goes "Woo that changed my life" He asked me how I like the weather if I like the winters up north and I go "Hell no but I definitely don't like this kind of heat either" He said he does and talked about how he always feels cold and how the AC effects his throat. He said "one thing I hate about hot places like this is everywhere you go the AC is on full blast" I told him that's how work was and I am still wearing like NJ suits-all black long sleeve and they all think I'm crazy. then we talked about Hyatt Place-He said "Man we love it-its our home away from home and it smells so good what is that?" Ha ha I explained we have these hidden sent machines and that it sucks BC after you work there 50 hours a week you don't smell it anymore. He said "I am one of those people everything has to smell good, I love those oil burners they have now-I always use them at home" I was like "Oh have you seen the Wallflower units at bath and body works they have the oil but they are plug ins" he was all "Oh I have to check that out I usually get mine at Body Shop" He said I get my hemp lotion there which I use everyday! I go "maybe that’s what makes you smell so good-you have a very unique smell" ahaha yes I went there---and he said "So many people tell me that and they say that Damian and ? One of his sisters I cant remember-have it too. he said that the guys say the less he showers the better he smells!! He goes "how lucky is that" Shit so it must be something in his blood!!!:haha I couldn't believe I was having THIS conversation with Mr. Jimmy Gnecco! Hahaha.

So back to Texas. Things got a little serious and I told him that Texas has made me realize that for so long I have wanted to be in the music biz someway somehow and that I was trying to get into management and was just so pissed at myself for just doing what’s expected of me and picking some random career and going with it. He said "its never too late but I do know exactly where you are-he paused a little and seemed upset and goes, yeah let me tell you, I was on the brink of entering the corporate world, my dad works for bell atlantic and he has his whole life and it was sort of like expected that we work for the same company, in fact Damian still does. It was 97 and I was writing for other people, just non stop writing writing writing, and I was working for Bell atlantic but the opportunity came up to get an inside job in the sector my dad worked in which was very hard to get in and they were very selective, 8 of us went to the school and only two of us passed. At which point they said "Ok now we have to take the time to decide between the two of you" He said "It was March 2007 and I was supposed to go to Memphis to write with Jeff(at first I had no idea who Jeff was) and the nite before I go to leave they offer me the position and I take it and I send Race in my place bc we wrote together sometimes. The first few weeks Jeff keeps calling and saying you gotta get down here we need you and I know that I don't get 2 weeks off for 6 months so I tell them I am sorry but I cant do it until the 6 months are up" He said the beginning of May they beep him on his beeper that its an emergency and they cant find Jeff, he disappeared. they asked Jimmy to come down and help get all his stuff out of his apartment because there was a chick living there that was all cracked out and they were worried she would take all of Jeff's stuff. So Jimmy told his boss it was an emergency and got in his car and went and on his way there they beep him and he calls and they tell him they found Jeff in a river, he had drowned. He said "I met Mrs. Buckley when I got there and her and I still talk to this day and she told me you cannot let your talent go to waste" he said the following Monday he quite the job at Bell Atlantic and faced his father. I asked if he was understanding and he said "Well, he didn't necessarily agree with it but he understood and he let me go" He said "The craziest part is the first show we did after I quite we got signed that night" WOW can you believe that????? I was so baffled and just couldn't believe he told me all that. He was like "Anyway-the point is we have to do what’s in our hearts-as hard as it is and as much as other people don't think we can and expect us to do other things its so important to do what we want so I think that there is a reason for Texas and its to show you that"

At this point I rambled on about how honored I am to have him in my life and how I realize so many people would die to be in my shoes right now, I said that he has that way about him that is so completely genuine and its so rare. I said I have stood there and watched people stand in line to talk to you and then pour out their souls to you and you listen, and respond and you seem to actually care about what everyone is telling you. He kept smiling and I think I was getting a little chocked up so he got up and came over and hugged me for like 2 minutes! WOW! Then he said "But for me that's what this is all about-in fact that's why we are called OURS-its not about just us or about money or fame its about this is OUR passion and Our music and I don't mean just us as a band I mean everyone that's listening" Oh my god-just incredible!!! I said "wow I am so sorry I am taking up so much of your time" BC his sister came into the room mid serious convo and had some annoying lady and goes "We don't want to int erupt but she wants to talk to you sometime tonite" and Jimmy was like "Oh that's fine y ou guys can stay up here its cool we are just talking" and I think they waited a few minutes-raided the fridge and left us. He said to me "That's one good thing about me know-I do what I want to and right now I am doing exactly what I want to" and smiled. then we lightened it up again and got off the couch and watched more of the show-it was coming to an end and I was recognizing a lot of the songs-we then talked about how great this crowd was and again talked about the hatred of Manson fans and even Circa Survive-He also warned me that its a very very hard biz and that the pay sucks. He said they get $1000 a show and that's for everything-paying April-gas-food-lodging, he said to make any money we need to make 2500 a show but that's fine-we will get there. He said that in Houston the night before they tried to pull some shit and say "You need to pay the venue $550 to mix your stuff and to have a sound guy" and Jimmy goes "Ok then we aren't performing" He said everything is a battle-anytime we say Blue Hippo open for them or Adam or Zoe Bonham that he had to fight with the promoters to let them be openers-even at real small venues. He said he didn't want to discourage me but he wanted me to know its not all Rock and Roll ;-) We also talked about the solo acoustic album and he said it was so quick and easy and everything was just full speed ahead and every once in a while they stop that full speed and try to make changes but I just wont allow it-right now they are mixing it and he said he is very happy with it. Oh also April told me the whole next OURS record is already written and the songs are unbelievable, even better than Mercy. YAY!!!!! I'm sure there is stuff I am forgetting bc we talked from 9p to 10:55 p ;-) I then said "I am gonna let you get to other people, it was so great talking to you-and Race came in and hugged me and said "We will see you tomorrow right" and I said "Absolutely" and Jimmy said "Well good then this isn't goodbye and he hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and walked me out......He stopped and said “Hey if you want you could come out early to sound check and just hang with us and see how it is” I accepted gratefully!! He said to talk to April about times nad details. I stopped and thanked April and she said I should come down around 5p and do sound check and just chill, oh and we have off Monday so we are partying tomorrow so be prepared to party with us" HOLY SHIT!!! I needed this soooo badly!!! I only wish my girls were here to share this with me!!!

DAY 2

The last two days were everything I had been hoping for the past 3 or 4 yrs! I am so grateful and honored and I now know that I need to fight to make this my career. Yeah its not all glamorous but even though there is BS you have to deal with everyday its still about 1000x's better than my job. So April texted me and said there sound check was at 6pm but feel free to come whenever that they would get to the venue around 4:30pm. I had a bunch or errands to run so I left at 5pm. I hit some traffic and got there around 5:35pm. When I got there I text April and she wasn't responding-I started to get nervous and thought "What the hell should I do she told me to text her" So I waited about 5 minutes and decided to call. She answered and said she would be right back. She was more like the April I remembered today-she seemed a little like I was putting her out but I realized all the stuff that's her responsibility each day and I can see why she gets stressed(and I still don't like her music) haha. So the entrance we went in took you right to the stage and she said "We just got everything set up so just stand here and enjoy" Jimmy was already on stage and static and race came back to get their gear-static said "Hey how’s it going-did you have a good nite?" I said "Yeah how bout you" He said "I partied with Justin(blue oct lead singer) and Ryan(violinist) on their bus and I am hurting today" Haha-he goes "I haven't done Jaeggerbombs in ages" Then Race gave me a big hug and said "You made it out early today" I felt SOOO uncomfortable--and in the way---The guys from switchfoot were setting up and they were nice-the lead singer goes to me "Which one are you dating" and I laughed and said "None of them, I'm just a friend" He said "Come on your dating April" hahaha So as I stood there and experienced what happens during a sound check I learned a few things. The sound guy was a dick head. Jimmy would tell him he needed more bass, or that his monitors were wrong and the guy argued with everything he asked for he goes "That's too much bass, its not gonna work" Jimmy is a character! He was making jokes and dancing all crazy. April couldn't figure something out on the keyboards and he was showing her and all motivating her saying things like "You know this little one" and patting her head. She would swat him away. She’s the only one that seemed nervous before the show, but I guess that makes sense. I really saw how good Static is during sound check. That not only is he extraordinary on the guitar but he switch and tweaks his petals a lot and I was watching his foot and he would just bounce petal to petal-It was really f-ing cool. After the sound check Jimmy came over and wrapped his arms around me and said "Heather" and said "We are going upstairs if you want to come" and he held the door and had me lead the way-I felt so weird him walking up the stairs behind me-super self conscious that I was going too slow and that I looked huge. Sorry just being honest-not to mention its like 40 stairs so I knew I would be out of breathe at the top! Anyways-we went in and as soon as we went in he goes "Oh shit I forgot food-you want to come down and get something" I was all "No I'm good" there was no way I could go up and down those stairs again in the heat! So it did feel pretty awkward sitting there while they all ate. Including Jimmy's sister and his friend Toni (he was there the nite before too) Luckily they don't eat much so it was only about 5 minutes of weirdness. Then James said "we go on at 7:30 right" and they said yeah and he left. Then Race and Static went somewhere. At one point it was just me and Jimmy and I go "Hey should I go I don't want to get in the way or anything" and he said "We don't do anything well.....and he was trying to think of what to say and then he says "Well can't ejaculate before a show so you wont witness anything too crazy" hahahaha I was shocked! It was so funny. He had a little portable water boiler so he plugged that in and got his hot water. Then Loche comes in and just starts undressing in front of me! Haha I was like oh shit where should I be looking-and next thing you know he’s in his boxers and jimmy is shirtless and race is shirtless. WOW! hahaha good times! No I did feel weird like I shouldn't have been there but oh well-they acted like the didn't care. Jimmy then said "Hey Heather" I said "Hey Jimmy" he brought his laptop to me and he had 4 pictures pulled up-three were very similar and one had his head down(the rest he was looking at the camera) He said "I am trying to decide for the acoustic album what photo to use on the jacket." I told him "I really like the one with your head down but I like the last of the three that are similar bc it looks like your about to smile" He said "That’s the one I like the best too, I might have to not use the one with my head down bc its like the cover of Grace(Jeff Buckley) maybe I could use it on the back" I felt like a Make a Wish kid! I hope that doesn't sound mean but it just felt I was getting like massive VIP treatment. THEN Jimmy’s sister said she was gonna go down and Toni said "Why do you stand in the back don’t you want to stand on stage and she said "No I want to see all of Jimmy not just the back of him" Toni goes "Its your friggin brother you have seen him all your life" and Jimmy said "She wants to see my best side" and pointed from his waste down! hahaha he’s crazy! Then Jimmy goes "you know what you have to do to earn a laminate(all access pass) and he dangles it in front of his crotch" Toni goes "Dude that’s your fucking sister" and he goes "I was talking to you" hahaha So Toni and his sister(who he called Teeny) left and he asked me where I wanted to watch the show. He goes "You can watch ON STAGE or where ever you want" April said she would give me her laminate and I could go everywhere and just to meet her up here right after the set so she could go sell merch. KICK ASS Then it was time for Jimmy to put his eyeliner on ;-) April held up a tiny little mirror for him and he kept adjusting it and in a funny voice saying "I cant see nothing less you hold it in the light mama" and she said "I knew you were gonna use red tonite" and he goes "Well I have the last 3 nites so what do you mean you knew?" They argue like brother and sister-its cute. So they headed down and one weird thing I noticed is Jimmy pulled out one of those orange prescription bottles and said "I’m gonna give this to you I will use it in the green room" So I have no idea what that was bc it looked empty when I looked over at it so maybe he was keeping something else in it? We talked about drugs later and he said he doesn’t smoke at all and he hasn’t done shrooms in quite a while. So I am not sure what it was but I had to share. So I started by watching the show down stairs and everyone kept looking at my pass-which was kinda cool-but I couldn’t get that close-But I did stay down there to videotape "Sing for Me" After that ended I thought about going into the pit but I knew they would see me taking photos and I didn’t want to seem like a groupie ;-P So I went to the top floor and cut across to the back stairs that led to the stage. Switchfoot was sitting on the right side watching them so I had to walk behind the stage to get to the other side. I was imagining me running into something or knocking something over and interrupting the show but luckily that didn’t happen. It was cool to see the crowd but not cool to see they weren’t really into it. At least they didn’t yell anything negative and they clapped pretty loud after each song. So the only change in the set list was Sometimes instead of Live Again(bummer) and it seemed to be over before it started. After the show I went up stairs and waited for April and she took the pass and went down and I was like I have no idea where I should be. I didn’t want to take up Jimmy’s time like I did Saturday and I didn’t want to get in the way so I watched some of Switchfoot from the VIP balcony area. Then I went in the room and it was just James so I left and went to merch to talk to April.


So I went down to talk to April for awhile because James was in the room-along with Loche who was sleeping again! ;-) April was telling me how she hates doing merch bc she’s not good at small talk and bc they shared a table with Switchfoot after their set was over like 100 people crowd the table and while there merch guy is busy they keep asking April questions about Switchfoot merch or thinking she worked w them so it was very awkward and uncomfortable-and she would like let them tell her what they want and THEN say "You need to wait for him" She said its really hard for her to push people to guy stuff. So the next person that came up for a free poster I go "Hey the poster won't do you any good without the CD-Its only 10 bucks and its some of the best music you could possibly hear, come on its only 10 bucks" He said "alright you talked me into it" Haha! I said "IF you want to hang with them or take a break I can do merch for you and she said "I'm ok right now but thanks for offering" She told me right before I came down there was a dude who had flown in from Detroit for the show bc he got a cheap last minute flight and he had missed their set ;-( She felt really bad so she went and got Jimmy and Jimmy invited him to hang out backstage but the guy was like "That's OK I just wanted to hear your set" He was nice about it but was kinda like "How is hanging out with you gonna help me hear your music" I think Jimmy was a little shocked he got that shitty grin on his face. At some point Race came over and said "Are you girls ready to drink yet?" and we both said yes and April asked Switch foot merch guy to watch the stand. We went to the room and April poured 1/2 my friggin cup w/ Makers and said she was going to get some wine...but she never came back-Race did a shot and then said he was gonna go find April and left so it was me, sleeping loche and James in the room. I sat on the couch loche wasn't sleeping on and started to text Derek ;-) James came and sat next to me(in silence) and pulled out his laptop and proceeded to watch Weeds w/ his headphones on. A few minutes later Loche jumped up quick and looked at me and goes in a sleepy voice "Hi Heather" and falls right back asleep. Me and James looked at each other and started laughing. James took one of his earphones off and I said "I love this show but I have missed the whole season" He said "Yeah me too-this is episode one do you want to watch it with me? and he got an adapter so we could plug my earphones in too (I had got my ipod out to listen to) So we watched Weeds and Jimmy came up and smiled at us and got his laptop out and put his headphones on-he was mixing the acoustic album. Right when the episode ended Static came in and sat on the chair next to the couch I was on and started talking to me. (I was shocked-he is really nice) He asked me about Hyatt Place and what my position was, I told him about the transfer. We talked about how weird Texas was which lead to how cool Austin is and then we started to talk about cities we loved up north including New Hope, Hoboken, Bethlehem etc He told me how he managed a music store in Passaic and some of his managerial tricks. Some how I cant remember we started to talk about movies-Oh I think he was telling me about a small town in California that he always saw Curtis Armstrong (from better off dead and millions of other movies) then we talked about Better off dead and Jimmy piped in and was doing lines from the movie! He is so funny!! Then Static and I talked about actors that we thought were under rated-I said I really like Don Cheadle and don’t like Scarlett Johansson and he said he loves Don Cheadle and doesn't think he’s seen Scarlett in anything-I said her last few films have been Woody Allen films-Race had been next to me on the couch and I didn't know and he said he loved Woody Allen movies. Very cool conversation. Jimmy took his headset off and put his laptop away and said he was really hungry. Static said he thinks the food is put away but that we should raid Blue Oct dressing room! Haha so we went to their room and went in and he was right there was a spread for when they get off stage and tons of alcohol-Jimmy poured me some Malibu. He said "This drink is for girls why are they drinking it" Part of the walls were chalkboard and there was a big bucket of that fat sidewalk chalk so Jimmy and Static were writing shit on the wall like Justin Luvs Ryan and Malibu is for pussys! hahhahahhaha OMG it was soooo fun! Then we went on side stage to watch Blue Oct for a little and damn it I had to pee so I told them I was going up and they stayed. I went pee and went back to the room and it was just Loche. I sat on the couch next to his and he woke up and looked at me and patted the cushion on the couch next to him for me to come over. I sat next to him and he all cuddled up against me and said "I wake up and there is heather and I'm like I need to talk to her and I fall back asleep then I wake up again and your not here and it just kept happening" He then fell asleep again and had his head on my shoulder. April walked in and looked at us and just started laughing. I go "He was awake a minute ago talking to me and next thing u know he’s out" Then Static and jimmy came in and go "Oh now loche will never leave bc your his new pillow" Around this time the show ended and April went down to pack up merch. All the guys were in the room and Jimmy was talking about Pitt and his new band-which must be a pretty big band bc he said "When the crowd is all singing along he just claps his hands over his head I don’t even know if he knows the words but Pitt acts like this dude is some sort of god" Then he mocked Pitt and goes "The day I stop playing music is the day I leave OURS" Hmmm still a little bitterness there I guess-But then he brought up his cousin mark ;-( and how him and pitt used to get into fist fights and Mark would always start it with like a hooligan kick and he was of course showing us how and he almost kicked race dead in the face! They were all laughing and carrying on. April then texted static and said "She needs help at merch w the money and stuff" So they all packed up there stuff and we headed down. Did you know they have to give each venue a percentage of their sales?? I never knew that. April also told me that there merch has to match the price of the headlines so when they toured w Manson their hoodie was 70 bucks!! She said they didn't sell anything but CD's on that tour. So she paid them and we all headed outside. All the guys from Blue October came out and Justin(lead singer) was going on and on about how much he loved jimmy and kept hugging him and goes "Man we should be opening for you" I thought that was pretty cool. Then Jimmy says "I really don’t want to go to that chics house it was such a pain in the ass last time but I already said we would go" April goes "Who cares, I have her # I can tell her we cant do it" and he said "Yeah I want to mix a little more and then head to bed" So no after party. So I started to say my goodbyes ;-( They were quick goodbyes-Jimmy said in my ear "You will be fine, don’t give up on what you want Heather" and kissed my cheek. Got hugs from everyone but James ;-) They all thanked me and Jimmy said "Hope we see you again soon and hope today wasn't too boring for you" hahahahahaha are u kidding me?? Gotta say it was physically hard to drive away, I didn't want it to end, I wanted to say “Ok I will do anything you want but I am coming with you no matter what” Instead it was back to reality. But I will never ever forget this amazing weekend!!

The Lucky One

Today was a roller coaster day. The highs were extremely high and the lows...well they were below sea level. So in one of my most recent posts I mentioned that I have three men in my life that I would be very grateful to be with. And as much as I love the EX as a person I am shameful that I included him as part of the three. If it hasn't worked in nearly 8 years its not fucking going to!! I've accepted that. Then there are the remaining two. Each of them was responsible for my roller coaster day. Mr FedEx practically drowned me today. He said something hurtful and I responded and one tiny thing turned into buttons being pushed so fierce, like a buzzer on a game show that is keeping you from 100 grand. He made me feel used, suggested I wasn't capable of making my dreams come true. The hardest part about this is he usually does just the opposite. He inspires me and pushes me...but not today.

Luckily Scott ended my day for me. He didn't even know I had had a crap day, he was being genuine and open and he made me feel adored. He told me that by reading my mini novel about my weekend with the band (I will post it after this) he realized how close he felt to me because he felt happy when he could feel how happy I was. He said he realized how lucky he is to have me in his life and that I lift him up with my humor, whether it be self deprecating or not and that I effect him.....It feels good to hear that. I cant' remember the last time someone has complimented me in such a meaningful way. As much as i feel love for Derek I think I would always come second to his passion, his photography. Scott has always been that guy that I wanted to love but I wouldn't allow myself. I knew from the very beginning I wasn't who he was looking for so what was the point of setting myself up for that heartache...it goes without saying that I still allowed myself to be crazy about him, just not fall in love. BUT a lot has changed from the beginning. No more Ron...trying to get healthy..going after my dreams...making more money...furthering my career...becoming more confident....maybe our timing was off. I just can't wait to see what the future brings!

My heart is split in 3

If the ruler of fate and destiny came to me and said "You have already met the man you will spend the rest of your life with" I would be ok with that. In fact I think it would be a huge weight lifted A) Because I would know there is SOMEONE I am going to be with and not just me and my kitty cat...I am refering to an actual cat...not my...anyways. B) because there are 3 men in my life that I love, 3 men that I would graciously spend the rest of my life with.

And the candidates are? Well there is the ever present, why don't you go away for good EX. As of now I would have to say NOT 'the one' BUT, if a bunch of things changed and our stars aligned once again I can see it working in the future...To be honest even though we have had love before he is probably more of a stretch than the other two loves in my life.

Number two would be my sensitive, musically skilled, vegetarian-vampire dream man Scott. He has been one of my best friends the past few years. He is incredible. Successful, funny, emotional and gorgeous to boot. The day he got into the backseat of Kristi's car changed my life forever. Man I would be lucky to land him. Anyone would.

Oh and of course the 3rd and final piece of my heart is the infamous pro photog with dreamy eyes, Derek. Now although he doesnt see it, and to be fair none of the three do, I have this vision of this dude in my future. Like its destined to happen. Where do I start? You've heard it all before...he really is a day brightener, he cheers me up when I'm down, he gives me hope in my dreams and I do the same for him. His passion and love for his photography is so refreshing, so sexy. Not to mention we have pretty much the identical sick twisted sense of humor. We laugh and laugh over stuff that most of the human race just wouldn't get.

And of course each of these three potential future loves of my life have flaws, some more than others, but so do I. I am very fortunate to have them in my life, they all have a piece of my heart and I don't want that to change until I find someone who is ready to give their whole heart to me...and only then...will I do the same.

How can we know for sure?

When you let love go......because the two of you just can't seem to get it right. When you fight and fight and they make you feel awful and you think "Why do I stay in this relationship!!"...BUT...when its time, how do you know for sure your doing the right thing. Other people can convince me all day long. "You don't need him" "You deserve better" "You guys are both great people but your just not made for each other" But they aren't there in your most intimate amazing times with said person AND they aren't there when your at your lowest low, in your darkest hour so how do they know whats right? One of my friends said to me tonite "Unless both people are willing to give 100% to that relationship it won't work and it wasn't meant to be" If this is true then nothing I have ever done, no one I have ever loved was anything real. He played a song for me called Brown Eyed Blues(not FOR me but just so I could here it) The lyrics go:
"She’s got those eyes, those eyes
That’ll see right through you
When she leaves that night
I wanna leave, with her too
And she’s on my mind
And I go all the time
When we touch I go weak
And I can hardly speak
And I hope that she thinks about me
Cos I’m always thinking of her

I just wanna hold her hand, be her man
I wanna know if she’d take a chance
Cos I still have not revealed it
Cos I still get the feelin
That lovin her is a game I’ll always lose
I got the brown eyed blues"

And it hits me that it is possible for a man to feel this crazy about a woman but I have never been that women. No one has ever felt these things for me. Should I be hoping for this or is the real world what I experienced for the last 8 years, is that the strongest love I will find? Did I make a mistake. Should I try to get him back>? Or does the love in song lyrics romance novels and on cool summer nites even exist.....Of course it does but does it exist for me?

Stronger

I want to be this person that some days I still doubt. I mostly doubt that I can be that person on days we don't talk. I hate that I am that way. I should be able to push myself to believe in myself without someone I love telling me I can do it. Again I love someone who doesn't love me back, not more than friends at least. When will this stop? I think of u so much. Today I said "I miss ya" and you didn't acknowledge it. I'm such a fucking dumb ass for doing this again. They say you don't chose who you love--is this true because if its not my choice why does the universe keep sending me amazing guys I can't have. They say its because subconciously thats what I want, thats all I think I deserve but thats complete bull shit. I believe I deserve for him to love me back, the same way I thought I deserved to have a boyfriend that wanted me, to fuck me, to kiss me, to touch my skin. I DESERVE all of that. I'm so angry that it seems like everyone finds love except me. I fall in love and thats where it stops. I'm even trying to be independent and have a meaningless relationship just for the sex and some companionship but there is a fine fine line. First of all even though the sex is good its empty. And in my heart it feels like I am cheating...just because I love someone else! And I am in no way interested in dating this kid(and my kid I mean KID he is 12 years younger-oops) but its still kind of annoying that he texts while he's w me or checks his facebook to talk to girls. The other nite he goes "You know I like you" As if he was surprised. And then he followed it up with "ITs too bad your so old-I will probably want to get married by the time I'm 30 but you will be 42 by then" THANKS! Haha I can't win. I will continue to picture the man I love when I go to my happy place. Maybe someday when his heart has room for someone other than his dreams(which don't get me wrong i do admire) maybe he will let me in. I love u D...I just need to be stronger-Have more willpower to make my dreams come true w/o you...

Love with an O not a U

I know u don't believe and your bitter and maybe it's all in my head but I keep picturing my future with you. You coming home from a show and me working on a column or a review. We talk for hours and there is never a dull moment....u make my heart so happy. Lately when we FINALLY get off the phone when I hang up I instantly say it. U know what 'it' is, its an action right? I'm crazy about you. Love your stories. Love how gracious and polite you are. How some days you are overly confident and some days really insecure. I love how pissed off and passionate you get about little things. I love how your camera is your thing, and how the night before a shoot you are so nervous and the next day at the event you are more confident than ever! A few weeks ago I was wondering why I was so uninterested in meeting dudes here and I am pretty sure its because it feels like no one is going to come close to you. I love how we have the identical sense of humor and think of jokes at he same time. Love love love that we are both independent and like to be alone sometimes. That music means more to us than almost any thing. I love how we motivate each other. When I'm down u cheer me up and I do the same for you. What more could I ask for????? I know you love all these things I just mentioned so all I need is for you to love one more thing.....ME

Is this Aging, a Funk or Depression?

Something is happening to me, I'm not sure if it's because I moved to a place where I know no one and I think I made a bad decision but it might be. And lately it's not even loneliness, its more like self loathing. I always look tired and I feel like I have aged like 5 years in two months. My grays are coming in like crazy. I haven't gotten on the scale but I know I have gained weight by my clothes and by looking in the mirror. It seems like the main things that make me happy are restaurants, take out and shopping....oh and my chiropractor. Who, while I am there with him makes me motivated to get healthy and land a man as good as him, but as soon as I leave or soon after, I lose it again. And I have met some 'eager' guys online that for some reason i have NO DESIRE WHAT SO EVER to meet. I just feel like I am not strong enough to come acrossed as confident and no one wants to be with someone who is a downer. The heat is awful and makes me want to stay inside my air conditioned apartment almost always. I want to get a tan but its too hot to lay out. For some reason a tan always makes me feel better. And I was told about this website that is not about hook ups its to meet new people and they have all these organized events and I keep signing up to go and then when it comes time to go I dont want to put forth the effort of meeting new people-even friends! Not to mention I am a very sexual person and as lame as it sounds I think this is the 1st time ever I have lost my 'mojo.' Now its not gone completely-I definitely feel it at the chiropractors and when Derek and I talk(daily). But I am at the point where I need a kick in the ass and its not happening. I found a roach in my apartment last nite--and we are talking HUGE-like 3 in. or more and I started crying because I had to kill it myself-I wanted someone here to save me or at least freak out with me. I miss Ron a little lately, I wont call him but still I miss having someone in my life-even if its someone who makes me feel like shit a lot of the time...at least I feel something other than NUMB. I need to read the secret again...badly. Ok I am off to work--another thing i just LOVE about Texas!!

Future Me

My boyfriend and I just bought a townhouse together in Philly/New York. No more renting! Woot Woot! The band I'm managing is becoming pretty successful. We were on Conan again last nite. I think they are hoping for Letterman but I don't think our demographic watches that, but hey I will take new fans where I can get them! I'm still writing my weekly column on city life/music/culture/single life which is a big hit. I may be syndicated, which means I wont just be local but I would be in several different city publications. I'm working on my book about my life long struggle with weight and how I went from a size 20 to a size 10 and have stayed that way. Haha I know it sounds cliche but mine is gonna be a little more Rock and Roll than your average I was fat now I'm thin book! Not that I'm thin but I didn't want to say I'm fat now I'm perfect! J/K! Me and the bf are about to hit the one year mark. I can't believe I finally found him! We still laugh everyday and we push each other to achieve everything we have ever wished and hoped for. He's my sunlight, I still can't believe how lucky I got. He's teaching me to play guitar and he's so patient with me, although I think I am learning pretty fast. Mom's coming to visit next weekend and I am meeting her new man for the first time. I hope it works out, I want nothing more than for her to be happy and for her to have a man to take care of her. Oh, the BF and I are planning a vacation for our 1 yr, we are going on a cruise!! I am so excited-especially to be able to run around in shorts and a swim suit without worrying about people staring or talking shit behind my back. Well I just wanted to touch base and let everyone know how much things have changed for the better. I never knew life could be so good! I am so grateful for everything!

Maybe If

I really think your starting to see how good I am for you...
Now that I'm gone.
Now that I live 1500 miles away.
How convenient.
Maybe If we found you a job here(Which u mentioned, not me)
And maybe if you get over your bitterness
and maybe if we both really let go of the dreaded ex's
And maybe if I lose weight.

Maybe maybe maybe
All I know is you have stayed in contact with me since i left...
more than anyone else...
even my mom and the dreaded ex.
Our phone calls make my night,
our texts make my day.
Do you have any idea how much I am feeling you
or are you still completely oblivious.

Maybe if its meant to be it will be.....

Texas-The Lonely State

So I have started to wake up and the first thing that pops into my head is "I want to go home" I have to quickly push it out of my head and tell myself everythings gonna be fine. But I haven't felt the happy, the contentment, the joy I feel in Deptford. The smitten kitten feeling I felt with Derek (Mr. Fed Ex) the sheer happiness I felt doing absolutly nothing with my friends. Or even the drive home from work that made coming home, even to an empty place, feel so much more thrilling than walking 15 feet to a hotel room. I know a lot of this has to do with me being sick but sometimes it feels like I walked away from what may have been the best times in my life, for what? A promotion, a step up the corporate ladder. People change when you leave them, and people change when they leave. I feel people distancing themselves from me, or do I? The ex suggested that I am the one distancing myself and I am trying to turn it around on everyone else. I need to make sure neither of those things happen. Derek was right, I need to think of this as a 1 yr vacation. Because it really doesnt feel real. Not to mention it's making me wonder if I really want to be a GM>? Is this really my career goal? What happened to wrting? What happened to music? I need to push myself-and I need to not let go of my friends even though they are 1500 miles away. And I need them to not let go of me too. I know I can and will do this but it would help if I knew I could come back..to all the friends...to my family...to the place I belong-East Coast baby!!!!

Too Soon

Why didn't I meet you sooner? You were there the whole time I worked at Hyatt but it took OURS for me to see you. Damn it. And I have wasted so much time with my friend "Fear of rejection" and now I am moving across the country. I have told you I will miss you, you say you'll miss me too. I have joked about you coming but we know that's ridiculous. Although I know that taste of escape thrills you. This isn't right. I've sat close to you too many times and felt my heart beating outside my chest but our lips have not touched. Our eyes have met in a not so innocent glance more than once but here we are almost ready to say goodbye. Why does life work like this? Now that it's confirmed that I am moving I feel you trying to wedge some distance between us and I hate it. It amazes me how men want to guard themselves and push things away while woman say time is running out and knock down all their walls and want to spend every last second there is left. How can I get him to want to spend some proper goodbye time with me? Is it too late for us? Has he ever felt anything or have i read this all wrong? I want him next to me, I want to feel, even if just for one night, what it's like to be with him. I want to know if he feels ANYTHING other than friendship.

Headspin

Oh my goodness you really make my head spin. I'm not sure if it's just me imagining and over analyzing or if you basically have feelings for me one day and not the next! It really is emotionally exhausting but as much as I try to take things with a grain of salt I just can't do it. It's not in me. Let me pick some things apart now like an annoying girl. Lets start with last Wednesday-you had pretty much not talked to me in a few days-not responded to a comment or two-no texting etc-something seemed weird-Like you were done, and this was right after the last time we hung out, with the near kisses(i think). So Wednesday, we have a pick up. If I remember correctly it was the day Sally had kissed Matt or vice verse so i felt like I had a reason to text you and your response was like "IT WAS 150 a month EXTRA" so u seemed pissed. When you came in for the pick up, for the first time since I would say December you didn't call or text to let me know you were on your way. I sat at my desk as you came in, I thought I shouldn't run out, maybe u don't want to see me? A minute or two go by and Anna comes back and says "He's here" I go "Did he ask for me" and she said "Oh no-no he didn't I asked him if he wanted me to get you and he said yeah sure" I went out and u were in the rest room. Things felt awkward a little but we joked a lot about Matt and Sally and we warmed up a little-then I made some smart comment about not hearing from you...cause I am a girly dumb ass" and you turn to whoever was working and go "Oh my god, what was it one email, don't ever not respond to an email from her" So I feel like your put off. No big deal. On Thursday-Your birthday, I wrote Happy Birthday on your page and you deleted it?! I know this sounds lame I really do but I need to get it out so its not stuck in my retarded head! Anyways I didn't understand why you would do that. I was confused. Friday u text and say something like "Are you there today? Hopefully you don't leave early bc I'm gonna be my regular time" So I of course analyze that and think you want to see me.....I am so lame. Haha. But I could have left whenever I wanted Friday cause John wasn't there and Sally had left. Normally I would have bolted bc I was going to my mom's for the weekend...but I waited for you. And we had a great visit...I can't remember why it was so good but it was. I practically floated to my mom's house after you left....and you even called about an hour into my trip and we talked on the phone a little. another great conversation. Saturday I was at moms and Sunday when I left her house I thought "What the hell I am gonna call him for once" So I leave a message and tell you I am on my way home and will be in the car 3.5 hours if he feels like chatting. You didn't call.....until I got home ;-) Awesome talk-we talked about family vacations and I shared a very personal story involving an old friend that fell for me..who happened to be female. You definitely enjoyed this thoroughly! Haha. You said "I will be thinking of this story later on tonite" I am not sure if by me thinking this showed he had some sort of interest in me is crazy but that's what I took from it. Monday you called me while you were working, I took the day off. You said "Hey I just had a break real quick thought I would call" I was smitten kitten. This is so 10th grade but I even remember getting goose bumps and chills cause I was so excited that you called without me initiating it. I know I don't want anyone to read this cause all my girls will think I am seriously mental...right? So we talked for about 45 minutes. I think this was when he mentioned something about getting fired for talking on the phone and then he goes "That's cool I will just move with you to Texas then" Ok so yes I KNOW it was a joke but I LOVED this joke! I started to have visions in my head of that actually happening,,,hahaha....call the therapist right? So then we have the dreaded day-TUESDAY-the day Sally thought it would be cute to tell Matt I was in love with you. Which by the way LOVE is a pretty strong word! Especially when I have never even expressed to you that I like you!!! MAN I was PISSED and sooo embarrassed. I am glad you took it the way you did, but I still wasn't sure if it changed things bc you did run out of there really quick. I do know u were busy but it felt SUPER awkward-especially since we had an audience, but I did not feel good about it...and I had emailed you earlier that day and u never responded. And like a big fat loser I mentioned hanging out in it-AGAIN. I just keep inviting over and over again. Maybe that should be the real sign. the minute he asks ME to do something. Shit I don't think he EVER has to be honest! Fuck what am I doing...Oh wait I remember now-I am liking you. This is what I do...I am persistent...and to be honest....my persistence usually works. Well I might as well finish of my psychotic ways with today. I text messaged you about the concert you have tomorrow nite and said "I hope your day is better than yesterdays" and he said "My day is much better than yesterday, I hope yours is too. FWD me that email if you would" (about the show) and my response was "Well no one told anyone I was in love with them so its already a better day. I printed that email thinking it was Friday I guess"(Friday is the only day that its guaranteed you will be in) No response. At about 4:45 you called me and said "Hey I have some free time so I could stop in if you want" This is like crack for me...you stopping in when there is no pickup. You stayed for 45 minutes. I felt comfortable again. You fucked with Sally to get back at her for yesterday which made me sooo happy. You caught me off guard with a few jokes-especially when I jokingly said "have you stolen anything from my place" and you said "Just that pussy" and I almost fell off my bar stool!!! Then you go "You know your cat, Cody" hahaha. I know my face was BRIGHT red. Good times! You did mention though that you will never ever get married and that you don't think Love exists..and that its an action not a feeling(where have i heard that before??) Don't know if these were hints or what............AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH can I scream? then we talked on line tonite. I guess I was feeling a bit ballsy and brought up a few things like me always asking you to hang out and I re-read it like the psycho crazy chic I am and you couldn't seem LESS interested in me! hahaha. i feel ok about it....I mean I hope I am wrong but I am gonna once again step off a little...as hard as it is. And WAIT...I hate WAITING! I am too available though...I invited him to the movies Friday so maybe I should go with someone else and make sure you know it? Evil, lame 10th grader high school bull shit. How old am i? Alright to my chicas who read this please try not to think I am too insane I am just pretty much getting this off my chest so I can try harder to not ANALYZE and pick everything apart!! ICK! Maybe next weeks Live show and then staying over at Hyatt will help me know more. I really really really want to kiss him and see if there is chemistry there. Ok Its 2am and i have to get up by 730. Wish me mental health and well being....and A KISS!!

Blue Hippo and The Wuss

Who knew I was this shy-This damaged? I was with Mr Fed Ex tonite (actually thursday nite) and I had decided that this would be the night I need to find out if there's a chance with us-or at least kiss him! But within the first, I would say 15 minutes we were talking about something, i can't even remember and he said "That's why i don't even want a relationship right now" And I lost all my nerve! Plus I thought "Oh he must be saying that to let me know that he doesn't want to get involved" I was a little bummed but thought "Oh well we can still have a good time" And every minute got better. We have such a great chemistry. We laugh constantly. When I look at him and he looks back I feel this electricity so intense that I have to turn away. He makes me feel so shy. So scared that I am gonna say or do the wrong thing. We have 100 jokes a minute. I wish I could know if he feels something. It certainly feels like he does. He also mentioned that he thinks it takes probably about a year after a bad breakup to be ready to start a new relationship. Its been 7 months.....I don't know if he means dating too? I don't know if he wants to just screw a bunch of different girls. But here's what I do know. I'm a shy idiot. I am about 95% sure that we had one of those moments where your about to kiss. After the concert we were laughing and walking to my car and as we turn the corner we see this amazing steeple w a big clock in it and the moon was right next to it and I said "You should take a picture" he said "That's exactly what I was thinking" so he got out his camera and started to shot it. I leaned against this garage door and watched and stared up at the moon. When he was done he came over and he goes "I wonder if its a church" which was a big joke I am assuming because it couldn't be anything other than that with its two crosses and all. I laughed really hard and kinda grabbed him to like hit him jokingly and he fell towards me and we were face to face and it would have been the PERFECT time for a first kiss...and I pulled away and said "No its not a church it's a hang out for people who worship Satan" and we laughed and got in the car. Fast frwd to saying goodbye. I was sitting in my car listening to him talk and hoping I get another 1st kiss opportunity. We get out of the car and we are talking about when we have to be up the next day. I said "I don't work until 1p which I hate, but tomorrows Friday so my friend Derek will be coming to pickup a fed ex package" and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. If I wasn't so shy and nervous and scared of rejection I should have turned to face him and see if I could get a kiss. But instead I said "Oh a hug from behind, interesting" or something that lame or even worse and I walked beside him with his arm around me. And I said I had a great time..he said "Me too maybe we can go back when she has her upright bass" And he got in his truck and rolled down the window and screamed out jokes as I walked to my front door. I wish I could rewind and kiss him by that church. The last few days we received more bad news and he seems to be barely talking to me.....I guess I am going to Texas...I will explain later.....

I'm a Creep

Just heard Creep by Radiohead. This guy in my life--well sort of in my life but twice removed, who I dated briefly 6 years ago and still claims to love me, told me once that the lyrics reminded him of our relationship. At the time I was being a bitch and convinced myself there is no way he can love me, he doesn't know me(hadn't seen him for like 4 years at the time) and I thought "Great thanks for ruining a song I really like, now I will feel guilty every time I hear it" Because I know what its like to have these uncontrollable needs for one person and get nothing in return, I do feel bad that I can't feel the same way...but I digress that is not why I am writing.

I was lying in bed taking a nappy nap when the song came on. Let me describe the setting a little further. Worked 8-4 today, got about 3 hrs of sleep last nite (due to phone conversation w Mr Fed Ex) This morning I was texting back and forth briefly to Mr. Fed Ex who I think (or thought I guess) I was making great progress with. At around 11 I decided that even though I have said about 50 times that I was not gonna invite him anywhere again because it seems one sided, I of course talk myself out of that and think that I will invite him to just hang out. Have dinner, talk, maybe play some guitar hero on Wednesday of next week. So I say "Hey do you have a gig or anything on the 25th?" And he does not respond. Ok whatever, I move on and realize that their can be a logical explanation or he does not want to hang with me...whatever. So meanwhile I am evil and weak and I am leaving tonite for Baltimore to be with The Ex. Which has been planned since last weekend. Neither the Ex nor Mr Fed Ex know about each other. Meaning FedEx doesn't know I am still hanging out with, and sleeping with, my EX AND My EX knows of Mr Fed EX but has no idea I am crazy about him. I feel like a complete ass hole. And hear I lay taking a quick nap before I hit the road of shame and possibly eternal settling, Mr Fed Ex responds 7 hours later and says "Hey, no gigs on the 25th, just work at fed ex and work on my business." And yes he has told me before not to read between the lines and so have many many other reliable sources but I take from the delay and the answer that he does not want to see me. Fine no big deal. I do not respond. And still have not. Yay me.

About 20 minutes go by and Creep comes on. And I realize that I don't deserve to have Mr Fed Ex be crazy about me the way I am about him. I don't deserve it at all. I am the creep, to my Ex, to Mr Fed Ex, I can't compete with models....I can't start out a relationship still seeing my EX. I can't expect karma or fate or whatever to cut me a break because I do not deserve it. So I will swallow my pride and accept my fate. I will get in my car and accept that unless I change that this is my destiny. That I have no right to believe that I should get what I want until I am honest with everyone in my life, and until I am equal to or greater than the qualities both mentally and physically of the person I am 'feeling.' And right now I am not good enough for Mr Fed Ex. He deserves better. And now I will leave you with part of the infamous lyrics to Creep......

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

Mr. Fed Ex or The Ex

So I am not back together with the Ex but he is trying. One of our reoccurring problems the past 7 years was Valentines day. Last year we broke up right after it because I spent all this money on him, we went to Baltimore and he wouldn't leave the room b/c he caught a cold, we didn't have sex and he didn't even acknowledge it was V-day, other than telling me "Sorry I don't believe in it, you know that" Anyway, he sent me a dozen long stem roses to work. The card reads "Don't say I never sent you flowers. Enjoy the corporate manufactured holiday thanx to Hallmark. Anyway Hope you have a good day! Love Ron. He means well and I do love him but it's just not feeling like crazy love. With Mr. Fed Ex I am still feeling butterflies...in fact more and more everyday. And I still have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. Two days this week(Friday and Saturday) we talked on the phone for almost 3 hours. He called me both times. I mean friends talk on the phone so who knows what that means. I hate to analyze everything. I don't want to be one of those crazy annoying girls. We talked about childhood memories and I was telling him I got spanked in 3rd grade and he said "that's kinda hot actually" I was like "You like the thought of little girls getting spanked, that's a little scary" He said "I don't know what you looked like when you were a kid so I am not picturing it when you are little" I was like "OH REALLY?" and then I made fun of him and said "Your face is red right now isn't it?" We talked about things we miss about being in a relationship and it's so weird how we agree on almost everything. And all my little idiosyncrasies...he seems to have the same. Little shit like I love it dark, I hate having lights on, or how we both love blaring music and falling asleep with the TV or radio on. We like the same music. We have both been in a long hard relationship. Right, I know, for most of those things who hasn't, but we just click. And we laugh and laugh. Maybe he just feels comfortable to talk to me about these things BECAUSE of the fact that he doesn't feel anything. Then there is The Ex....he's trying to get a house, he loves me and is trying to show me that he does. And here I am waiting to see if Mr Fed EX is into me before I make any choices or tell the EX that I have feelings for someone else. I am a bad person! My EX is right, I lie to him all the time. I don't cheat, but I lie or 'withhold the truth" A LOT when it comes to him and I. In my heart I want to make sure THE EX isn't the one by feeling what it used to feel like to be in love. I miss this feeling....WAIT, I am not saying I'm in love but I LOVE the feeling of liking someone, the drama of waiting for the phone to ring, the excitement of the chance he may be feeling what I am, the magic of a first kiss. I know these are only things you have 'in the beginning' but I would like to still believe that there's someone out there for everyone that can make the beginning period last 4ever. I can count on one hand the people I know who are married that still feel that way...but I want to be a part of the exception....not the rule! So I am being a bad girl and waiting for a confirmation from Mr. Fed Ex before I tell The Ex I have feelings for someone else. Sure, it isn't fair to him, I know that. And how can I expect him to trust me? The worst part about it is I am supposed to be with The EX again this wknd, but what happens if Fed Ex asks me out last minute. Or if he calls while I am away, if i do still go. I certainly don't want to lie to him.....but I could ruin my chances if he did know the truth. This is a bad triangle I'm in...or more like a web of lies......What would you do? It's not fair to either of them. Maybe I don't deserve either of them.....

My wagon and why I fall off it so much

Friday was nice. Went out with one of my girls, we had dinner and during dinner got on the topic of our sex #...noI am not sharing, and then we talked about Ex's. I hadn't talked to mine in almost 2 months. Sure there was a text here and there but no voice. I had been great, starting to date, feeling like I had finally done it. Not only that I had done it, but that I was glad I had moved on, and that for once I was sure this was it...no turning back. Ok so back to our Ex conversation. When I brought him up the same thing was said that most of my friends say "It's not that he's a bad person, he's just not right for you" I always think, is this my fault? Most people have only met him once or twice and the rest of their judgement is soley based on what I tell them about him. Not that I have ever lied but I don't think there was much talk of "Oh we were together this weekend and he made me laugh so much, and we had great sex, he paid for everything" And its not like those times don't exist. I will admit that we are either on top of the world or down in the dumps as far as our relationship goes. There wasn't a whole lot of happy medium--or was there, its just that its not as memorable as the highs and the lows? So I wake up Saturday ready for my weekend of dates. A little dreadful but excited overall. When I got out of the shower I saw my phone blinking. Picked it up and low and behold-1 missed call-the ex. No new Msg. I ponder for a few minutes, my first instinct tells me to ignore it, if it was that important he would leave a message. I walk away and start to distract myself and then that familiar voice in my head is back. "He's one of your best friends, dont you miss that? See if hes ok, see why he called" I go the safe route and text him. "I see that you called. What, no message?" A minute or two later my phone rings. I didn't hesitate as much as I should have and I answered. He said "To be honest I am working and forgot to have my phone on lock and it was in my pocket-it dialed you and my mom and a few other people, but I am glad to hear your voice again, even though I am sure you don't feel the same, but how are you>?" I told him I was good, that the eagles loss crushed me a little but I was picking myself back up. He said that almost everyday there are things he wants to call me about, he said "Your my best friend and you were for 7 or 8 years, and I think in those 8 years the longest we've gone is what, a month? you would know better than me" He said he missed me, that he's sure I'm fine bc I have always been pretty resilient and I am probably seeing someone already. I told him I had a date tonite, my first date since him. He said "Man that is hard to hear but I do just want you to be happy and apparently I am not the one for you which is unfortunate" I said "I could respond to that but we probably shouldn't get into it considering our situation" He said "No please, at this point there is no reason not to say anything we want or need to, our cards are on the table" And I said "You could be the one if you really wanted to, we both have problems but they are fixable but the problem is neither of us was ever willing to change unless the other one did which got us no where" He said "I guess your right, the last time we talked though when i told you I was gonna do you a favor you were being so cold and mean to me and it wasn't you at all, and the fact that I was making you that way made me realize you don't need me in your life, not to mention I think everything is stacked against us and everyone in your life hates me, I don't trust you anymore so we seem doomed" I told him that no one in my life hates him, there are several that think he's great but we just aren't made for each other. He said "Alright ok, It really was great to talk to you and I don't know what any of this means I wish we could be friends again but I understand if we cant but just so you know you can call me anytime you need me, even later today if you want" We laughed and I said "Thank You and I do miss your friendship too" He said "That means a lot to me cause I honestly thought you hated me, that you never wanted to speak to me again-Look I gotta go I am at my next job but I do love you and I guess I will talk to you sometime" I said "I love you too, have a good day" and we hung up. In the next few hours I ran some errands and tried to clear my mind of it all. I had left my cell phone home by accident and when I got home there were 3 texts from him talking about wanting to see me. I said sorry I have plans. He said what about Sunday-I would drive all the way there just to be with you for a day. Well I did have plans but the excitement of it all and the urgency made me say "Really-you'd drive 5 plus hours to be here one day?" He said "No strings, we can hang as friends, no pressure whatever happens happens.etc" And my wagon of hope hit some sort of rock and I landed flat on my ass along some abandoned highway. I agreed to it, not only that but I suggested he drive all nite Saturday so he would be in NJ to wake me up Sunday. And he did. We went to the restaurant we had our first official date at, Bahama Breeze, we laughed and drank and ate great food. It was just like the old days. And there it was again. My love for him. When we are together and we aren't arguing, were laughing, and he talks about how he is getting a house and his life is going well and I have these visions of me in that house, of us having bbq's and maybe even a baby. I start to reason with the things we have issues with. I start to say "Maybe we can do this!" That nite we do our traditional falling asleep early then waking up around 3am and staying up doing unmentionable things until the break of dawn. Then we sleep a few hours and I get massively attached when I wake up in the morning and he's next to me. My heart tells me 'this is what you want!' My heart also tells me I don't want to go to work and one day isn't enough and he says to me "Look this wasn't planned but do you care if i stay, I know you have to work but I just feel too tired to drive and I want more time with you" I told him he couldn't stay unless I had off work and after getting ready 4 work I convinced myself that I could get away with calling in sick. He refused to give an opinion and didn't want me to get in trouble but after I did it he was like "Yay! What are we doing today?!" I got back in bed and we watched TV among other things and we searched for places to go, got ready and went out to a new place. We stayed there for 3 hours eating and drinking and laughing. Afterwards we stopped at a liquor store and decided we would drink and watch our favorite episodes of 6 feet under. Well I guess it was Karma or something telling me that I shouldn't call out sick because I drank fast and furious and within about 30 minutes watching Six Feet Under in double vision, I was puking up whatever went down. Gotta say he took good care of me-Got me a hair tie, a garbage can, water, he kept asking if I was ok and trying to make me laugh. After about an hour out of no where I felt fine. I remember going-"What happened?" Then we went to bed and set our alarm to get up at 3am to check out this crazy show on Fox news.....then some more awesome mind blowing sex. Oops I said it was unmentionable. Oh well. So the plan was we would leave at the same time and as I am getting ready for work-and honestly feeling really exhausted and like I could puke again, he asks me if he could stay again. I don't hesitate for a second and I tell him I will try to leave early....since i did actually feel sick. During work he sent me sweet and funny texts all day and I ended up not leaving early, well 30 minutes early. When I got home he was cooking me dinner. We had another great nite. So good that it felt like 'this is how it should be with us' I kept wondering after all we have been through that maybe it would be different, we haven't lived together in almost 4 years. What would happen if we lived in the same town even? Would we drive each other crazy or would we both let go of the things that drive us crazy about each other? The next morning after I get ready for work I wake him and try to say goodbye and hes just like "Bye" and rolls over. I told him he sucked at goodbyes and he said "Oh well-I could get up but I don't wanna" So that's how this great, unexpected weekend ended. On my way to work I was so torn. What had just happened....just 4 days earlier I was over him, done. Dating new people. Then there is now. My heart and my mind are communicating with each other and reminding me that this has happened before. I'm so angry with myself for letting this happen...or am I? My thoughts are different minute to minute-This is good-NO this is bad. Just take it day by day-NO you have done that for too many years....Its stressing me out so much that I am eating bad, skipping the gym and spending time in a melancholy daze at work. Oops and suddenly theres another bump in the road...I think a wheel fell off my wagon and no one is here to help me fix it and boost me back up there. Can't I use some magic spell and make him be the way he was this weekend forever? Can't I have Mr. Fed Ex? We can help each other get over the past. It seems like nothing is ever that easy. My heart wants to be free and love who it wants to and be brave and not care it may be on its way to being shattered once again. I love him. And that love seems to be killing me. But how can anyone know better than him or I? We are the only two that have witnessed all the ups and downs and trust me, I have wronged him many times. Dating other people is so hard. The comparing, the 1st impressions, the pressure. Can't I just be with my man? Can't we both bend a little in order to make this work? Who the hell knows. Not my friends, not my mom, not him, and certainly not me.

Re-entering the Dating "Scene"

OK so I am semi-fresh out of an off and on again 7 yr roller coaster, I mean relationship and I finally after almost 6 months(although I relapsed twice for some 'send-off sex' and 'last goodbyes') I'm officially ready to get back out there. And to be honest the guy I am interested in the most(Mr. Fed Ex) is either oblivious or not interested in me so I am gonna try my luck with some other nice guys I met in the last few weeks. 2009 has been pretty cool so far...well except for the Eagles shattering my heart once again. Anyway So this weekend may be the weekend of movies and awkward 1st dates! Unfortunately only one of the 3 people I am going to the movies with wants to see something I want to. Tomorrow is a girls nite with Victoria and we planned on seeing The Reader but it's only playing in Voorhees which is too far for Vic so I am settling on Bride Wars....I used to LOVE romantic comedies but I think my bitterness has made me loath happy endings. I need a little depth to my movies BUT, she really wants to see it and I am sure its not that bad. Date #1 is Saturday, I met him at the Eagles Playoff party. He is 37 and has a 13 year old. I don't know a lot about him. He seems sweet and funny but to be honest I don't feel any 'sparks' as of yet. He does love the Eagles so much that he has a tattoo so that's a bonus! We can mourn together! Well he suggested "My Bloody Valentine" which is advertised as "A great date movie" Its in 3-D and its a horror/whore flick that's supposed to have some gratuitous sex scenes and lots of blood and guts. Sounds AWFUL. Sure I could speak up and say "No fucking way" but I already gave him a list of the movies I wanted to see before he mentioned that so I would have to assume he doesn't want to see any of them. He's also one of those "Whatever you want is fine" guys. I hate that..... can you please put forth a little effort?! I would rather have a guy not pay for me but have a planned date then a guy who wants you to plan everything, he will just show up and pay....the worst is if I have to plan it all AND pay! Date#2 is someone I met on *GASP* yahoo personals. He is the only one smart enough to list his phone number so I don't have to pay to join! We have talked on the phone twice, we had good conversation but he comes off a little gay. He looks cute on like 1/2 of his online pics so we shall see. Looks aren't crucial but lets be real, you have to feel something and as much as people claim "Looks don't matter" they do help with the chemistry. So lets hope that all of my plans actually happen this weekend because last weekend was a bust!! But now that Obama is prez I am sure I will feel the CHANGE and have a great weekend. Well I gotta say I am a bit of a bitch because although I am booked all weekend...I would cancel any of the 3 plans if Mr. Fed Ex last minute decides he wants to hang out.......u never know right???