Dearly Beloved>>>

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life it means forever and thats a long time, but I'm here to tell you, theres something else. The afterworld. A world of neverending happiness....you can always see the sun...day or nite.....So when you call up that shirink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything will be alright? Instead of asking him how much of your times left, ask him how much of your mind baby. Cuz in this life, things are MUCH harder than the after life..In this life YOUR ON YOUR OWN!! So if the elevator tries to bring you down...go crazy!!!

The elevator tried like crazy to bring me down today---and I feel like I did go crazy--but not in the way prince would have wanted me too. Why does it all come back to this. Me loving someone who doesnt love me. And once I know they dont I dont care-I dont give a fuck- I keep on loving. I want it to work more and more and more. I dream about it, I visualize it. We have a couple of days or weeks were things seem to be going up and up and then someone snaps that cable and I come spiraling down. The tiniest thing set me off. Fucking twitter and facebook and myspace and all that crap its poison. You know who everyone is talking too. The last two days it was like he dropped off the planet. Even when I tried to initiate conversations he was disintrested, distracted. So I see some fucking tweets back and forth with some unknown person. And for all I know it could be a guy but it doesnt seem like it and one of there messages is "keep talking to the people about the 11th we need to rock out together" And for all I know it could be his friend Mark but it hit me like a punch in the face. The fact that he will or could be already into someone is inevetible-It's gonna happen and its gonna fucking burn. I'm so mad at myself for not putting my guard up. For letting myself fall in love with him. I haven't cried for quite awhile with out the Ex factor. Fuck i forgot how bad it hurts to love like this. How do I walk away? I don want to? Everything in my being says I need him. I am so miserable without his laugh in my life. Without his drive to get exactly what he wants. His honesty. His heart. Fuck how did it get this deep in just a year? Damn it Derek why can't I just be the exeption...just this once!!

U Love Me 2day

Oh today was a good day with you. Yes a week ago we were in the same city, and now we are 24 hrs away from each other but tonite was golden. I thought nights like this were gone forever. I thought I had lost you. It seems like ages since we laughed and talked for hours on the phone. With a sweet mix of light underlying flirtatiousness and happiness oozing from each cell phone across 7 states. Why was I so giggly? Because I felt hope again. Maybe its minuscule shreds of hope but it still lives and breathes in the depths of my damaged heart. And for the first time in months came the rebirth of that image. The one that got me through day to day. The one of me coming home to you in a mid-town Philadelphia apartment. The one where I am doing a piece on our good friend Dave Navarro for a publication and you are shooting the images for my piece. The one where I come home and your upstairs in your studio and we greet each other with a kiss and a smile. The one where as we get ready to meet up with Dave we end up giggling and joking around and diving into bed. You remind me not to wear heels because Dave is still a little self conscious about his height. The dream of all dreams. I don't need money. I don't need a fancy car. I do need our dreams to come true career wise and I do need a love thats my best friend. That gets me, as twisted as I may be. Sure it might be far fetched but its not dead and gone. I love u D.