Headspin

Oh my goodness you really make my head spin. I'm not sure if it's just me imagining and over analyzing or if you basically have feelings for me one day and not the next! It really is emotionally exhausting but as much as I try to take things with a grain of salt I just can't do it. It's not in me. Let me pick some things apart now like an annoying girl. Lets start with last Wednesday-you had pretty much not talked to me in a few days-not responded to a comment or two-no texting etc-something seemed weird-Like you were done, and this was right after the last time we hung out, with the near kisses(i think). So Wednesday, we have a pick up. If I remember correctly it was the day Sally had kissed Matt or vice verse so i felt like I had a reason to text you and your response was like "IT WAS 150 a month EXTRA" so u seemed pissed. When you came in for the pick up, for the first time since I would say December you didn't call or text to let me know you were on your way. I sat at my desk as you came in, I thought I shouldn't run out, maybe u don't want to see me? A minute or two go by and Anna comes back and says "He's here" I go "Did he ask for me" and she said "Oh no-no he didn't I asked him if he wanted me to get you and he said yeah sure" I went out and u were in the rest room. Things felt awkward a little but we joked a lot about Matt and Sally and we warmed up a little-then I made some smart comment about not hearing from you...cause I am a girly dumb ass" and you turn to whoever was working and go "Oh my god, what was it one email, don't ever not respond to an email from her" So I feel like your put off. No big deal. On Thursday-Your birthday, I wrote Happy Birthday on your page and you deleted it?! I know this sounds lame I really do but I need to get it out so its not stuck in my retarded head! Anyways I didn't understand why you would do that. I was confused. Friday u text and say something like "Are you there today? Hopefully you don't leave early bc I'm gonna be my regular time" So I of course analyze that and think you want to see me.....I am so lame. Haha. But I could have left whenever I wanted Friday cause John wasn't there and Sally had left. Normally I would have bolted bc I was going to my mom's for the weekend...but I waited for you. And we had a great visit...I can't remember why it was so good but it was. I practically floated to my mom's house after you left....and you even called about an hour into my trip and we talked on the phone a little. another great conversation. Saturday I was at moms and Sunday when I left her house I thought "What the hell I am gonna call him for once" So I leave a message and tell you I am on my way home and will be in the car 3.5 hours if he feels like chatting. You didn't call.....until I got home ;-) Awesome talk-we talked about family vacations and I shared a very personal story involving an old friend that fell for me..who happened to be female. You definitely enjoyed this thoroughly! Haha. You said "I will be thinking of this story later on tonite" I am not sure if by me thinking this showed he had some sort of interest in me is crazy but that's what I took from it. Monday you called me while you were working, I took the day off. You said "Hey I just had a break real quick thought I would call" I was smitten kitten. This is so 10th grade but I even remember getting goose bumps and chills cause I was so excited that you called without me initiating it. I know I don't want anyone to read this cause all my girls will think I am seriously mental...right? So we talked for about 45 minutes. I think this was when he mentioned something about getting fired for talking on the phone and then he goes "That's cool I will just move with you to Texas then" Ok so yes I KNOW it was a joke but I LOVED this joke! I started to have visions in my head of that actually happening,,,hahaha....call the therapist right? So then we have the dreaded day-TUESDAY-the day Sally thought it would be cute to tell Matt I was in love with you. Which by the way LOVE is a pretty strong word! Especially when I have never even expressed to you that I like you!!! MAN I was PISSED and sooo embarrassed. I am glad you took it the way you did, but I still wasn't sure if it changed things bc you did run out of there really quick. I do know u were busy but it felt SUPER awkward-especially since we had an audience, but I did not feel good about it...and I had emailed you earlier that day and u never responded. And like a big fat loser I mentioned hanging out in it-AGAIN. I just keep inviting over and over again. Maybe that should be the real sign. the minute he asks ME to do something. Shit I don't think he EVER has to be honest! Fuck what am I doing...Oh wait I remember now-I am liking you. This is what I do...I am persistent...and to be honest....my persistence usually works. Well I might as well finish of my psychotic ways with today. I text messaged you about the concert you have tomorrow nite and said "I hope your day is better than yesterdays" and he said "My day is much better than yesterday, I hope yours is too. FWD me that email if you would" (about the show) and my response was "Well no one told anyone I was in love with them so its already a better day. I printed that email thinking it was Friday I guess"(Friday is the only day that its guaranteed you will be in) No response. At about 4:45 you called me and said "Hey I have some free time so I could stop in if you want" This is like crack for me...you stopping in when there is no pickup. You stayed for 45 minutes. I felt comfortable again. You fucked with Sally to get back at her for yesterday which made me sooo happy. You caught me off guard with a few jokes-especially when I jokingly said "have you stolen anything from my place" and you said "Just that pussy" and I almost fell off my bar stool!!! Then you go "You know your cat, Cody" hahaha. I know my face was BRIGHT red. Good times! You did mention though that you will never ever get married and that you don't think Love exists..and that its an action not a feeling(where have i heard that before??) Don't know if these were hints or what............AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH can I scream? then we talked on line tonite. I guess I was feeling a bit ballsy and brought up a few things like me always asking you to hang out and I re-read it like the psycho crazy chic I am and you couldn't seem LESS interested in me! hahaha. i feel ok about it....I mean I hope I am wrong but I am gonna once again step off a little...as hard as it is. And WAIT...I hate WAITING! I am too available though...I invited him to the movies Friday so maybe I should go with someone else and make sure you know it? Evil, lame 10th grader high school bull shit. How old am i? Alright to my chicas who read this please try not to think I am too insane I am just pretty much getting this off my chest so I can try harder to not ANALYZE and pick everything apart!! ICK! Maybe next weeks Live show and then staying over at Hyatt will help me know more. I really really really want to kiss him and see if there is chemistry there. Ok Its 2am and i have to get up by 730. Wish me mental health and well being....and A KISS!!

Blue Hippo and The Wuss

Who knew I was this shy-This damaged? I was with Mr Fed Ex tonite (actually thursday nite) and I had decided that this would be the night I need to find out if there's a chance with us-or at least kiss him! But within the first, I would say 15 minutes we were talking about something, i can't even remember and he said "That's why i don't even want a relationship right now" And I lost all my nerve! Plus I thought "Oh he must be saying that to let me know that he doesn't want to get involved" I was a little bummed but thought "Oh well we can still have a good time" And every minute got better. We have such a great chemistry. We laugh constantly. When I look at him and he looks back I feel this electricity so intense that I have to turn away. He makes me feel so shy. So scared that I am gonna say or do the wrong thing. We have 100 jokes a minute. I wish I could know if he feels something. It certainly feels like he does. He also mentioned that he thinks it takes probably about a year after a bad breakup to be ready to start a new relationship. Its been 7 months.....I don't know if he means dating too? I don't know if he wants to just screw a bunch of different girls. But here's what I do know. I'm a shy idiot. I am about 95% sure that we had one of those moments where your about to kiss. After the concert we were laughing and walking to my car and as we turn the corner we see this amazing steeple w a big clock in it and the moon was right next to it and I said "You should take a picture" he said "That's exactly what I was thinking" so he got out his camera and started to shot it. I leaned against this garage door and watched and stared up at the moon. When he was done he came over and he goes "I wonder if its a church" which was a big joke I am assuming because it couldn't be anything other than that with its two crosses and all. I laughed really hard and kinda grabbed him to like hit him jokingly and he fell towards me and we were face to face and it would have been the PERFECT time for a first kiss...and I pulled away and said "No its not a church it's a hang out for people who worship Satan" and we laughed and got in the car. Fast frwd to saying goodbye. I was sitting in my car listening to him talk and hoping I get another 1st kiss opportunity. We get out of the car and we are talking about when we have to be up the next day. I said "I don't work until 1p which I hate, but tomorrows Friday so my friend Derek will be coming to pickup a fed ex package" and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. If I wasn't so shy and nervous and scared of rejection I should have turned to face him and see if I could get a kiss. But instead I said "Oh a hug from behind, interesting" or something that lame or even worse and I walked beside him with his arm around me. And I said I had a great time..he said "Me too maybe we can go back when she has her upright bass" And he got in his truck and rolled down the window and screamed out jokes as I walked to my front door. I wish I could rewind and kiss him by that church. The last few days we received more bad news and he seems to be barely talking to me.....I guess I am going to Texas...I will explain later.....