I'm a Creep

Just heard Creep by Radiohead. This guy in my life--well sort of in my life but twice removed, who I dated briefly 6 years ago and still claims to love me, told me once that the lyrics reminded him of our relationship. At the time I was being a bitch and convinced myself there is no way he can love me, he doesn't know me(hadn't seen him for like 4 years at the time) and I thought "Great thanks for ruining a song I really like, now I will feel guilty every time I hear it" Because I know what its like to have these uncontrollable needs for one person and get nothing in return, I do feel bad that I can't feel the same way...but I digress that is not why I am writing.

I was lying in bed taking a nappy nap when the song came on. Let me describe the setting a little further. Worked 8-4 today, got about 3 hrs of sleep last nite (due to phone conversation w Mr Fed Ex) This morning I was texting back and forth briefly to Mr. Fed Ex who I think (or thought I guess) I was making great progress with. At around 11 I decided that even though I have said about 50 times that I was not gonna invite him anywhere again because it seems one sided, I of course talk myself out of that and think that I will invite him to just hang out. Have dinner, talk, maybe play some guitar hero on Wednesday of next week. So I say "Hey do you have a gig or anything on the 25th?" And he does not respond. Ok whatever, I move on and realize that their can be a logical explanation or he does not want to hang with me...whatever. So meanwhile I am evil and weak and I am leaving tonite for Baltimore to be with The Ex. Which has been planned since last weekend. Neither the Ex nor Mr Fed Ex know about each other. Meaning FedEx doesn't know I am still hanging out with, and sleeping with, my EX AND My EX knows of Mr Fed EX but has no idea I am crazy about him. I feel like a complete ass hole. And hear I lay taking a quick nap before I hit the road of shame and possibly eternal settling, Mr Fed Ex responds 7 hours later and says "Hey, no gigs on the 25th, just work at fed ex and work on my business." And yes he has told me before not to read between the lines and so have many many other reliable sources but I take from the delay and the answer that he does not want to see me. Fine no big deal. I do not respond. And still have not. Yay me.

About 20 minutes go by and Creep comes on. And I realize that I don't deserve to have Mr Fed Ex be crazy about me the way I am about him. I don't deserve it at all. I am the creep, to my Ex, to Mr Fed Ex, I can't compete with models....I can't start out a relationship still seeing my EX. I can't expect karma or fate or whatever to cut me a break because I do not deserve it. So I will swallow my pride and accept my fate. I will get in my car and accept that unless I change that this is my destiny. That I have no right to believe that I should get what I want until I am honest with everyone in my life, and until I am equal to or greater than the qualities both mentally and physically of the person I am 'feeling.' And right now I am not good enough for Mr Fed Ex. He deserves better. And now I will leave you with part of the infamous lyrics to Creep......

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

Mr. Fed Ex or The Ex

So I am not back together with the Ex but he is trying. One of our reoccurring problems the past 7 years was Valentines day. Last year we broke up right after it because I spent all this money on him, we went to Baltimore and he wouldn't leave the room b/c he caught a cold, we didn't have sex and he didn't even acknowledge it was V-day, other than telling me "Sorry I don't believe in it, you know that" Anyway, he sent me a dozen long stem roses to work. The card reads "Don't say I never sent you flowers. Enjoy the corporate manufactured holiday thanx to Hallmark. Anyway Hope you have a good day! Love Ron. He means well and I do love him but it's just not feeling like crazy love. With Mr. Fed Ex I am still feeling butterflies...in fact more and more everyday. And I still have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. Two days this week(Friday and Saturday) we talked on the phone for almost 3 hours. He called me both times. I mean friends talk on the phone so who knows what that means. I hate to analyze everything. I don't want to be one of those crazy annoying girls. We talked about childhood memories and I was telling him I got spanked in 3rd grade and he said "that's kinda hot actually" I was like "You like the thought of little girls getting spanked, that's a little scary" He said "I don't know what you looked like when you were a kid so I am not picturing it when you are little" I was like "OH REALLY?" and then I made fun of him and said "Your face is red right now isn't it?" We talked about things we miss about being in a relationship and it's so weird how we agree on almost everything. And all my little idiosyncrasies...he seems to have the same. Little shit like I love it dark, I hate having lights on, or how we both love blaring music and falling asleep with the TV or radio on. We like the same music. We have both been in a long hard relationship. Right, I know, for most of those things who hasn't, but we just click. And we laugh and laugh. Maybe he just feels comfortable to talk to me about these things BECAUSE of the fact that he doesn't feel anything. Then there is The Ex....he's trying to get a house, he loves me and is trying to show me that he does. And here I am waiting to see if Mr Fed EX is into me before I make any choices or tell the EX that I have feelings for someone else. I am a bad person! My EX is right, I lie to him all the time. I don't cheat, but I lie or 'withhold the truth" A LOT when it comes to him and I. In my heart I want to make sure THE EX isn't the one by feeling what it used to feel like to be in love. I miss this feeling....WAIT, I am not saying I'm in love but I LOVE the feeling of liking someone, the drama of waiting for the phone to ring, the excitement of the chance he may be feeling what I am, the magic of a first kiss. I know these are only things you have 'in the beginning' but I would like to still believe that there's someone out there for everyone that can make the beginning period last 4ever. I can count on one hand the people I know who are married that still feel that way...but I want to be a part of the exception....not the rule! So I am being a bad girl and waiting for a confirmation from Mr. Fed Ex before I tell The Ex I have feelings for someone else. Sure, it isn't fair to him, I know that. And how can I expect him to trust me? The worst part about it is I am supposed to be with The EX again this wknd, but what happens if Fed Ex asks me out last minute. Or if he calls while I am away, if i do still go. I certainly don't want to lie to him.....but I could ruin my chances if he did know the truth. This is a bad triangle I'm in...or more like a web of lies......What would you do? It's not fair to either of them. Maybe I don't deserve either of them.....