The Lucky One

Today was a roller coaster day. The highs were extremely high and the lows...well they were below sea level. So in one of my most recent posts I mentioned that I have three men in my life that I would be very grateful to be with. And as much as I love the EX as a person I am shameful that I included him as part of the three. If it hasn't worked in nearly 8 years its not fucking going to!! I've accepted that. Then there are the remaining two. Each of them was responsible for my roller coaster day. Mr FedEx practically drowned me today. He said something hurtful and I responded and one tiny thing turned into buttons being pushed so fierce, like a buzzer on a game show that is keeping you from 100 grand. He made me feel used, suggested I wasn't capable of making my dreams come true. The hardest part about this is he usually does just the opposite. He inspires me and pushes me...but not today.

Luckily Scott ended my day for me. He didn't even know I had had a crap day, he was being genuine and open and he made me feel adored. He told me that by reading my mini novel about my weekend with the band (I will post it after this) he realized how close he felt to me because he felt happy when he could feel how happy I was. He said he realized how lucky he is to have me in his life and that I lift him up with my humor, whether it be self deprecating or not and that I effect him.....It feels good to hear that. I cant' remember the last time someone has complimented me in such a meaningful way. As much as i feel love for Derek I think I would always come second to his passion, his photography. Scott has always been that guy that I wanted to love but I wouldn't allow myself. I knew from the very beginning I wasn't who he was looking for so what was the point of setting myself up for that heartache...it goes without saying that I still allowed myself to be crazy about him, just not fall in love. BUT a lot has changed from the beginning. No more Ron...trying to get healthy..going after my dreams...making more money...furthering my career...becoming more confident....maybe our timing was off. I just can't wait to see what the future brings!