Dearly Beloved>>>

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life it means forever and thats a long time, but I'm here to tell you, theres something else. The afterworld. A world of neverending happiness....you can always see the sun...day or nite.....So when you call up that shirink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything will be alright? Instead of asking him how much of your times left, ask him how much of your mind baby. Cuz in this life, things are MUCH harder than the after life..In this life YOUR ON YOUR OWN!! So if the elevator tries to bring you down...go crazy!!!

The elevator tried like crazy to bring me down today---and I feel like I did go crazy--but not in the way prince would have wanted me too. Why does it all come back to this. Me loving someone who doesnt love me. And once I know they dont I dont care-I dont give a fuck- I keep on loving. I want it to work more and more and more. I dream about it, I visualize it. We have a couple of days or weeks were things seem to be going up and up and then someone snaps that cable and I come spiraling down. The tiniest thing set me off. Fucking twitter and facebook and myspace and all that crap its poison. You know who everyone is talking too. The last two days it was like he dropped off the planet. Even when I tried to initiate conversations he was disintrested, distracted. So I see some fucking tweets back and forth with some unknown person. And for all I know it could be a guy but it doesnt seem like it and one of there messages is "keep talking to the people about the 11th we need to rock out together" And for all I know it could be his friend Mark but it hit me like a punch in the face. The fact that he will or could be already into someone is inevetible-It's gonna happen and its gonna fucking burn. I'm so mad at myself for not putting my guard up. For letting myself fall in love with him. I haven't cried for quite awhile with out the Ex factor. Fuck i forgot how bad it hurts to love like this. How do I walk away? I don want to? Everything in my being says I need him. I am so miserable without his laugh in my life. Without his drive to get exactly what he wants. His honesty. His heart. Fuck how did it get this deep in just a year? Damn it Derek why can't I just be the exeption...just this once!!